Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You dont think Jeffs jokes are funny. 🙂

Q: What is the difference between the panama canal and a blond?

A: One is a busy ditch and the other is a dizy bitch.

Q: How are bob barker and lorena bobbit different?

A: One is a slick pricer and the other is a prick slicer

Q: How is a blond like a screen door?

A: The harder you slamm them the looser they become

Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle?

A: Paint there balls green and lay on their backs in a watermelon patch

Q: How did tarzan die?

A: Thumping watermelons

Q: How are a turtle and a blond similar?

A: Put them on their backs and they are phucked

Q: Why did the blond have a big belly button?

A: Her boyfriend was blond too!

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man You want fries with that? And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said Try my crispy fresh salad.

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.

And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.

And God said I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said You are running up the score, Devil. And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery…

And Satan created HMOs.

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an
employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does
not (have a sense of humor) and made the web department take it down
immediately.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty
registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and
desires.

[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified

First Name: _______________ Initial: __ Last Name: _______________

Code Name: __________ Password: ________ (max 8 char)

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ____ ____ ____

Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../..

Serial Number: _________________________

Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalog showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have
just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Speed / maneuverability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] Iraq

[_] North America

[_] Central / South America

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Classified

How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that
apply):

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Primitive / Tribal

Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defense Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

To help us understand our customers lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a
regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Sabotage

[_] Propaganda / disinformation

[_] Destabilization / overthrow

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

[_] Fashion clothing

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will
be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in
the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from
other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand
new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down outside a bar on the street curb.

A police officer watched him closely. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the police and asked, Hey, Mr. Policeman, what causes arthritis?

The policeman responded, Its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well, Ill be darn, the drunk said, returning to his paper.

The police officer, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man with his night stick and apologized.

Im very sorry. I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have it, Mr. Policeman. I was just reading here that the chief of police does.

10. Your Quarter Pounder has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, No shirt, no shoes, no reason you cant get a job here.
7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.
6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendys founder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure its okay..
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.
1. Their slogan: Did somebody say E Coli?

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A slot machine.

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

We need a fourth for poker, said the friend.

Ill be right over, whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, Is it serious?

Oh yes, quite serious, said the doctor gravely. In fact, three doctors are there already!

You think Meals on Wheels is another name for roadkill.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

Youve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…