Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank – proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulbs best interests at heart.
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Polish men and one Polish woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving – but at least the taxes are low and its not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both bloody wankers.
Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
Llega un indio a un bar y pide un whisky. El camarero le da un whisky y dice:
Whisky no gustar, whisky no pagar.
El camarero le da otro whisky y el indio responde:
Whisky no gustar, whisky no pagar.
Esto ocurre sucesivamente durante cinco veces, hasta que el camarero, totalmente harto le echa gasolina en el whisky.
Whisky si gustar, whisky sà pagar.
Llega al dÃa siguiente el indio, y el camarero le pregunta que si querÃa otro whisky como el del dÃa anterior. El indio responde:
No, yo pegar peo, matar caballo.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
What has eight legs and a black asshole?
The A-Team.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any
class of people, I thought Id put together some examples
of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note
how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not
permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere.
WRONG: Why cant blondes take coffee breaks?
This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and
coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink
coffee for religious reasons.
RIGHT: Why cant pigmentally-challenged individuals take a short
rest between job tasks?
Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.
WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?
This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists,
vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism
and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as
well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.
RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?
Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.
WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians,
other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes
against the Communist belief system that material goods are
provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have
no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will
also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourages automobile
use.
RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?
Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed
on Tandem Mail.
WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist
are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?
This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism,
elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines
deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own.
Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs
they do.
RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do
you rescue all of them before it collapses?
First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism
is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.
WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman?
There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem
mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding
behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender
of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it
is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any
event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in
some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.
The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways.
First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are
both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this
precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second,
it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular
way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to
be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since
it has a heterosexualist bias.
RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?
Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.
WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovahs Witness with
a dyslexic agnostic?
Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes
people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an
example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted.
This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that
evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members
of certain religious groups may also find these random matings
offensive to their belief systems.
RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel
comfortable working together at Tandem.
Ill have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.
WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.
Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with
the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars
or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.
RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.
WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.
Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should
be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about
the competition. Simply describing their products is all the
humor thats necessary.
RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees
Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to
see if it crashes, which it probably will.
WRONG: Which doesnt belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?
Havent you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and
offensive to women and vegetarians.
RIGHT: Which doesnt belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?
WRONG: A mans penis size doesnt matter, unless youre having
sex with him.
That doesnt mean you can make fun of men, just because theyre
the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage
of anti-female ones, and then were back to Lawsuit City.
RIGHT: A Tandemites paycheck size doesnt matter, unless theyre
arguing with the Mail Police.
WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN
in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also
contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over
improper use of their product.
RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce First Friday?
Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isnt a
violation of something.
WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?
Cant you do anything right? Its What did Jeffrey Dahmer
say to Pee-Wee Herman? and the answer is Stop playing with
my food.
Once there was this woman, who was, sad to say, very flat across
the upper body. Year after year of seeing beautiful, large-breasted
women walking away with handsome guys finally got to her. She decided
that she would have large tits at any cost.
At first she went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger
breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers
they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. She
went everywhere, but everything she tried came to no avail.
So she went home and cried and prayed for larger tits. After
several days of this, during one praying session, there was this
sudden poof, and her fairy godmother appeared before her.
Well, dearie, you want larger tits, do you?
Oh yes, oh yes, please fairy godmother, give me bigger tits. I
beg you, the woman implored.
Okay, okay, calm down. Ill do it, if you promise to stop
bothering me. Promise? the fairy godmother asked.
Yes, I promise!
Okay, then. Shish, swoosh, swash, liffiday-loffiday, balsshac,
boom! There. Now, dearie, whenever anyone says pardon to you, your
tits will grow one inch. Fine? Bye, dearie.
And with a flash and the smell of burnt hair, the fairy godmother
left.
Of course, the lady wanted to try out her godmothers spell
immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and seeing some
unlucky passerby, collided with him and promptly fell to the ground.
Oh, pardon me. Im so sorry, are you alright?
Zzzzuuuuummmpp! Her tits bulged forward an inch. No, Im fine,
she laughed, as she ran back into her apartment. She inspected her
breasts. Oh, they were actually one inch larger; in fact, exactly one
inch. She decided to try again the next day.
At work, the following morning, she contrived to bump the manager
and spill her coffee into her lap.
Pardon me! Here, let me help clean you up, the manager said.
Zzzzuuuummmpp! Her tits jumped forward another inch. Oohhh, Ill
clean up myself. She ran into the womens bathroom and gleefully
examined her breasts. Two inches! Ive got to celebrate.
That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. Aahh, Ill
treat myself to the best. After all, I could easily beat out Dolly
Parton by tomorrow. Ill be famous! As she sat there, a waiter
passed by, carrying an armful of aromatic dishes. She stretched,
delighting in the feel of her newfound breasts, … and her arm banged
into the waiters midsection.
The waiter fell with an audible Ooofff!!! sending dishes and
sauces all over her. Groveling, the waiter said to the lady, A
thousand pardons…
William Chuang