1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the fountain.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that theyre astronaut food.
10. Follow patrons of B. Daltons around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that its a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, You mean you really cant see it?
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If youre patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the hidden picture.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether theres much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinte
A
salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona
when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip
had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo
man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously
at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If youre wondering whats in the bag,"
offers the salesman, "its a bottle of wine.
I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several
times and says, "Good trade."
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?
Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but hell have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Una mujer enormemente gorda, mofletuda y más fea que el hambre, acude al médico:
Doctor, aquà en mi barriguita hay algo que me sube hasta el cuellito. Luego me baja hasta mi traserito y otra vez vuelve a subir y otra vez vuelve a bajar…
¿Y en qué momento del dÃa sucede eso?, interroga el médico.
Siempre después de comer, doctor.
¡Ah, entonces lo que Ud. tiene es un pedo indeciso, que con su cara de culo no sabe por donde salir!, asegura el galeno.
Una CERVEZA está siempre mojada. La MUJER no… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
La CERVEZA es horrible si está caliente… ¡punto para la MUJER!
Una CERVEZA helada te satisface… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Si regresas a casa oliendo a CERVEZA, tu mujer puede enojarse. Si llegas a casa oliendo a MUJERES, tu mujer seguro que se enoja y hasta puede dejarte… ¡Empate!… ya que depende del punto de vista.
Diez CERVEZAS en una noche y después no puedes manejar a casa. Diez MUJERES en una noche y no hace falta manejar a ningún lado… ¡punto para la MUJER!.
Si un policÃa te siente olor a CERVEZA te puede arrestar, si el policÃa te siente olor a MUJERES te invita una cerveza… ¡punto para la MUJER!
La CERVEZA cuanto más vieja, es mejor… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Muchas CERVEZAS pueden hacerte ver ovnis, muchas MUJERES pueden hacerte ver a Dios… ¡punto para la MUJER!
Si te preguntas como será la próxima MUJER eres normal. Si te preguntas como será la próxima CERVEZA eres un alcohólico… ¡punto para la MUJER!
Arrancarle la etiqueta a una CERVEZA es divertido. Arrancarle los calzones a una MUJER es mucho MUCHO más divertido… ¡punto para la MUJER!
Por una CERVEZA pagas impuestos… ¡punto para la MUJER!.
Si te tomas otra CERVEZA, la primera no se enoja… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Puedes estar siempre seguro de que eres el primero en destapar una CERVEZA … ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Si agitas una CERVEZA, después de un rato se calma sola… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Clara, oscura, en cualquier momento puedes escoger la CERVEZA que quieras… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Una CERVEZA sabes exactamente cuanto te va a costar… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
La CERVEZA no tiene mamá… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
Puedes hacerlo si quieres, pero la CERVEZA no te pedirá que la abraces durante media hora después de haberla tomado… ¡punto para la CERVEZA!
PUNTUACIÓN FINAL: La CERVEZA le gana a la MUJER (10 a 7)
Si eres una MUJER y en este momento te estás enojando, piensa que la CERVEZA no se enojarÃa por esta batalla… ¡Otro punto para la CERVEZA!
MARCADOR FINAL 11 A 7
Two blondes walk into a bar, but the redhead ducked.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part but then remembers how bad his grandmothers eyesight is and hopes she wont notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style… it makes your nose look too long.
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, Got any grapes?
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?
Confused, the bartenders says no.
Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?
There was a long line of souls before the gate of Heaven and Hell. Waiting on line beside each other were two residents of New York City, a taxi driver and a priest and they started chatting to kill the time. Finally, it was the taxi drivers turn to be judged; after talking with God for a few minutes, he was allowed to enter heaven. The priest came after him and had his few minutes with God. He, however, was sent to hell.Needless to say, the priest was pretty surprised by this turn of events and asked God why he, who had constantly talked to people about God, had been sent to hell and a taxi driver was going to heaven. God replied, " We judge whether one goers to heaven not by the words he has said but the deeds he has done on the earth. While you talked about God, people slept, but they all remembered me when he drove."