Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…

Youre a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, What would Curly do?

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are Play Ball…

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Youve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

A young man goes to the Doctor one morning and says Doctor I got this problem.

What is your problem? replies the doctor.



Well Ill show you . . . he pulls down his pants and he has this great whacking hole in his bum . . .



How did you manage that? asks the doctor . . . Well let me explain . . . I went on holiday to Africa and this huge elephant bummed me.



Doctor says hmmmm, but elephants only have little willies.



The man replies, I know …. but he fingered me first

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
Ive trapped her legs, shes tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food!
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my humans chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth-
And my claws I will unsheath
For the morning here
and its time to play
always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!

Glasses you use to read books by during the television commercials.

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, You know youve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.

The second one said, No, you know youve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, Now THATS a good date!!

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Maam, said the cop, Im not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, Ill let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home, responded the Amish lady.

Thats fine. Another thing, maam. I dont like the way that one rein loops across the horses back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away! instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

Well, dear, what exactly did he say? asked Jacob.

He said the reflector is broken, replied the lady.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else? wondered Jacob.

Im not sure, Jacob… something about the emergency brake…

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as Bonkistry. He has been around forever, so I wouldnt put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who where taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hang-overs and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare and couldnt get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, releived and very proud of their story.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in seperate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. Cool they thought, this is going to be easy.

They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page…

WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked,

Did God make you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

You know, Grandpa, she said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?

As a blonde was driving down the freeway, her car phone rang.

Answering, it, she heard her husbandss voice urgently warning her, Barbie, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!

Hey! said Barbie, Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!

The Good, Clean Funnies List: Good, clean funnies five times a week, FOR FREE!