Old and New Jokes

The sermon had been going on endlessly. Finally the ministers voice cracked and said, What more can I say?

One parishioner yelled, How about Amen???

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that werent smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

What can I get you? the barman asks.

I want six shots of whisky, responds the young man.

Six shots? Are you celebrating something?

Yeah, my first blowjob.

Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.

The young man says, No offence sir, but if six shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.

Había un bandido que después de atacar sexualmente a las jóvenes, les ponía una madriza hasta dejarlas medio muertas. En ese pueblo había una mujer, tan pero tan fea, que nadie le hacía el favor, y la pobre estaba muy desesperada porque a sus 34 años aún no había hecho el amor.

En el colmo de la desesperación, la fémina salió en la noche, sin importarle el riesgo, para ver si se le hacía con el Violador Madreador y se sentó en una banca del parque a esperar.

Como a eso de las 12 de la noche se le aparece éste y le dice:

¡Agárrate mamacita, porque soy el Violador Madreador!

La toma entre sus brazos y empieza a desnudarla, en eso, un destello de luz da en el rostro de la dama, el violador la ve a la cara y le avisa:

Este… ¿Sabes qué? A ti nada más te voy a madrear.

HUNCHBACKS WIFE: Im getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.



DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)



HUNCHBACK: I dont like getting undressed.



DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back youll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)



HUNCHBACK: I dont like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.



DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))



DOCTOR: How long is it since you were at school?



HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?



DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack?

A sports writer interviewed the 14 time world champing female fisherman. what is your secret, do you have a favorite side of the boat or specail lure. no was the repley to the lure. as far as the side of the boat that depends on my husband. report says i don,t understand. well it is this way , i lift up the sheets in the morning and look at my husbands dong, if it is laying on his right leg i fish on the right side of the boat, if on the left i fish off the left side of the boat. reporter what if it is standing up??? well then to hell with going fishing

Three guys come up to your car a black man, a Mexican man, and a Chinese
man. All three of these men are ready to jump you, but you only have two
bullets in your gun.

Who do you shoot?

The black man twice.

Q: Whats the mating call of the blonde?
A: Im *sooo* drunk!

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) I said: Im drunk!

Rick O Shea.

An old man of 70 married a young girl of

18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

Oh honey, said the young nymph, Does that mean were going to do it three times?

No, said the old man, it means you can take your pick.