Old and New Jokes

Un grupo de monjitas va pasando por delante de San Pedro para entrar al cielo. Entonces éste le pregunta a la primera, Hermana Vernica, ¿Ha tocado usted un miembro masculino alguna vez?.

Ella le contesta que sí, pero que sólo lo tocó con un dedito.

Pues hermana, lávese el dedo aquí en el agua bendita, y luego entra.

A la segunda monja le hace la misma pregunta, y ella le responde que sí pero sólo con la mano.

Entonces… Hermana Yaritza, lava la mano en el agua bendita, y entra.

De pronto llega corriendo y empujando la hermana Yotsabé y se coloca al frente de la fila.

¿Por qué tanto apuro, hija mía?, le pregunta San Pedro.

Y la hermana responde: Porque si tengo que hacer gárgaras con esa agua bendita, quiero hacerlo antes de que la hermana Sonia se lave el culo.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

141. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track? Tom says, I would switch one train to another track.

What if the lever broke? asks the inspector. Id run down to the tracks and use the manual lever, answers Tom.

What if that had been struck by lightning? challenges the inspector. Then, Tom continues, Id run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.

What if the phone was busy? In that case, Tom argues, Id run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.

What if that had been vandalized? Oh, well, says Tom, in that case Id run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, Why would you do that?

Because hes never seen a train crash!

Im no Wilma Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

A German, a Pollock, and a Jew sit down at the bar.

The Bartender says, What is this, some kind of Joke?

You might be a redneck if…

Youre a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, What would Curly do?

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are Play Ball…

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Youve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

A young man goes to the Doctor one morning and says Doctor I got this problem.

What is your problem? replies the doctor.



Well Ill show you . . . he pulls down his pants and he has this great whacking hole in his bum . . .



How did you manage that? asks the doctor . . . Well let me explain . . . I went on holiday to Africa and this huge elephant bummed me.



Doctor says hmmmm, but elephants only have little willies.



The man replies, I know …. but he fingered me first