Old and New Jokes

Skaters are speeding preps.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.


A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Hinds Law Of Computer Programming: 1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 7) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.

Your Momma is so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.

A baby Camel goes up to its mother and says Why do we have long eyelashes, and the mother replyTo stop sand getting in our eyes.

A few moments later the baby camel comes up to his mother and askes why do we have long toes and the mother replys To stop us from sinking in the sand.

A few moments later the baby camel walke up to his anyoed mother and sayWhy do we have these humps on our back and the mother replys to store water in them.

So we have eyelashed to stop sand from getting in our eyes, long toes to stop us sinking in the sand and humps to store water in, but mum, why are we in London zoo?

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy no, no.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cats tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows
for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while theres still time and hes still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away —
far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didnt
know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the
street. Put Billy in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2
minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden
hose in mans front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

Pat goes into the bar on a crutch,his arm in a sling and bandages all over his head.

The bartender says: My God Pat,what the hell happened to you?

Pat says: I got in a brouhaha with Riley.

The bartender says: But Rileys just a wee man and youre full grown. He must of had something in his hand.

Pat says: That he did, a shovel.

The bartender says: My God man, didnt you have anything in your hand?

Pat says: That I did. The breast of Mrs. Riley. Beautiful thing it was but not much use in a fight.

What are the three things that micheal jackson and a carrier bag have in common?

1. they are both made of plastic



2.they are both white



and 3. they are both dangerous when left with children.

PRESS RELEASE:

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:

– 2 BATTLE SHIPS,

– 600 GROUND TROOPS,

– 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:

– 2 CANOES,

– 6 MOUNTIES,

– AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS