After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. How did you get the wooden leg? In a booming voice the pirate replied:
WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG.
Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand. In a booming voice the pirate replied:
WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND.
Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your eye. In a booming voice the pirate replied:
WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: I WAS LAYING ON THE DECK ONE BALMY DAY CATCHING SOME RAYS WHEN THIS *%#@* SEAGULL FLEW BY AND DROPPED HIS DUTY RIGHT IN ME EYE!
Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?
IT WERE THE FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK!
A little girl climbed into her grandfathers lap and studied his while, balding hea. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road apped his face and neck. did god make you?, she asked. yes he answered. did god makeme, to? she wondered. yes, he relied. well, she shrugged, dont you think hes doing a better job now than he used to?
There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.
One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.
The 60 yo, started complaining. He said I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night.
The 70 year old then said, I dont have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night.
The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, I dont have any of those problems! At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.
My only problem is that…I dont wake up until noon!
A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you?
Not too good, says the mother. Ive been very weak.
The son says, Why are you so weak?
She says, Because I havent eaten in 38 days.
The man says, Thats terrible. Why havent you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.
Guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a beer. At this point the bartender leaves to take care of some business in the back. As he is about to take his first sip someone says,
Hey thats a great coat!
He turns around and to his surprise no one is there. He shrugs it off as nothing and goes back to his beer.
You look great did you get a haircut?! Again someone exclaims.
He turns around, and again; No one.
He goes back to his beer when someone again shouts.
Those shoes go great with that great coat!
At this point the man is just about at his wits end, when the bartender comes out.
Excuse me barkeep the man replies Someone keeps speaking to me, but everytime I turn around no one is there.
The bartender replies back at the bewildered man. Oh thats just the peanuts… Theyre complimentry
4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.
Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.
They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of duck waddling down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didnt agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?
The old man replies, Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horses mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None o yo freakin bitness!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders dont last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say Fabulous.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?