Old and New Jokes

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.

The farmer tells the man that they dont call them chickens there. We say pullets.

Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, We dont call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times.

Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.

The farmer says, We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks.

The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.

A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.

She says, Sure, what do you need?

The man replies, Can you hold my cock and pullet… while I slap my ass?

HUM: The Village People Meets Star Wars (***)

Y.O.D.A (To the Village Peoples Y.M.C.A)

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said

YOUNG MAN, now its muddy and brown. I said

YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, cause I

*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*

YOUNG MAN, Theres no need to feel fear. I am

WONDERIN, tell me why are you here? How you

GROWIN, from this food on the plate, I say

*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.

Hes 900 years old!

Hes so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

Come and get yourself clean!

Come and have a good meal!

Pretty soon now, the Force youll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into

SOMETHIN brown that smells like a sty, and this

TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got

*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*

YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is

COMIN, master Yoda not far. Ill be

HAVIN this bright thing that aint hot. It is

*MINE* *OR* *ILL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.

Hes 900 years old!

Hes so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A

Dont just stand in the rain!

Youre all covered with mud!

come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin to me? I cant

TRAIN HIM, hes so reckless you see! Like his

OLD MAN, hes so angry but brave! Betcha

*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*

YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be

GOING, off to save all your friends? To be

TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you

*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOURE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A

You should stay here and train!

You dont have to save Han!

If you do so, youll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.

(repeat and fade).

Una mañana se subió Pepito a un camión y se sentó exactamente atrás del chofer y empezó a decir en voz alta:

Si mi papá fuera toro y mi mama una vaca yo sería un becerrito.

Después de un momento continúa diciendo: Si mi papá fuera un rinoceronte y mi mamá una

rinoceronte yo sería un rinocerontecito.

Al ratito sigue: Si mi papá fuera un jirafo y mi mamá fuera una jirafa yo seria un jirafito.

Después de una pausa, continúa diciendo: Si mi papá fuera un mono y mi mamá una mona yo

sería un monito.

A todo esto el chofer ya estaba perdiendo la paciencia, mientras el niño continuaba: Si mi papá fuera un tortugo y mi mamá una tortuga yo sería un tortugito.

Ya cansado el chofer se voltea y le grita:

¿Y si tu papá fuera un maricón y tu mamá una prostituta, que serías tu?

Pepito, sin inmutarse responde:

¡Entonces seria un chofercito!

La maestra se dirige al grupo:

Está comprobado que los niños pequeños prefieren la leche materna a la embotellada. ¿Por qué creen?

La leche materna es más saludable, suelta Jorgito.

La leche de la madre tiene mejor sabor, dice Juanita.

Cuando Pepito levanta la mano, la maestra prefiere ignorarlo a sabiendas de sus respuestas; pero ante la insistencia, accede:

A ver, Pepito: ¿por qué los niños prefieren la leche materna a la embotellada?

Yo creo, maestra, que no es por la leche, es más bien por el envase.

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, Is there a criminal attorney in town?



To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, Yes, but we cant prove it yet!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Dont discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

When God created man, she was only kidding.

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

Im an undertaker, responded the friend. That doesnt sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.

There is plenty of excitement in this racket, said his friend. Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didnt want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat… You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes

with a gun.

The masked man said Give me all your money!

Unwilling to do so, the President said, You cant do this, Im the

President! The man then replied,…

Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!