Old and New Jokes

Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????

Answer- The one with the dirty knees….

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadnt seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and hes got a purple heart on!



His mother replied, I dont give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses for a couple hours.

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patients suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctors presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman Pinscher.

61. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?

A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

62. Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

A1: Introduces themself.

A2: Walks home.

63. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said DONT WALK.

64. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A: Fertilised.

65. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?

A: Unfertilised.

66. Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.

67. Q: Whats a blondes idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.

68. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?

A: Kick open the car door.

69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her drivers license?

A: The instructor gave her an F in sex.

70. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A: More head room.

71. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.

72. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

73. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

74. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off.

75. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

76. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An Air Bag.

77. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?

A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

78. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

79. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?

A: Bucket seats.

80. Q: What do Blondes say after sex?

A1: Thanks Guys.

A2: Are you boys all in the same band/team?

A3: Do you guys all play for the Rams?

It was the night of the worst blizzard of the year. The streets were filled with drifting snow, and the winds were howling fiercely. A man, covered with snow and frost, enters a bakery. He says to the baker, Ill have one roll.

The baker wraps the one roll and asks if theres anything else he can get him.

No, thats it, says the man, just one roll.

The baker says, You came out on the worst night of the year to buy just one roll?

The man says, Yes, for just one roll.

The baker asks, Are you married?

The man says, Of course. Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?

From: Management

To: All Employees

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity
from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone
through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than other offices. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your
supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.

As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who dont take S.H.I.T. will be placed in
the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who
fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemantal
program, EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your supervisors
took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they dont have to take S.H.I.T.
anymore. Obviously, they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may qualify for the supervisory or training
position, either giving S.H.I.T. to fellow employees or training other to take
S.H.I.T. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T.). Those of you who become skilled in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the
S.H.I.T. jobs and eventually apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please direct
them to: HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, Dont put all your eggs in one basket.

Next is Lucy. Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, dont count your chicks before they are hatched.

Billy is last to speak. He says, My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, Dont mess with Uncle Ted when hes been drinking.

Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

Youve ever invited friends over to show off whats left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.

You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.