I had a near death experience yesterday afternoon that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things couldnt possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrups…



When this happened I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.



Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart Manager came out and unplugged it!

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, Mummy, why is my name Petal? the mother replied Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, Mummy why is my name Rose? She replied, Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head. The last baby walked up to her and said BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, Shut up Fridge.

A Brooklyn woman wishes to get a tatoo and ask the tech to tatoo pictures of Roberto Duran the inner portion of her thigh near her crotch. She also ask that on the other leg, the tech tatoo the picture of Oscar De La Hoya; and adds when I rub my thighs togetha they can fight over whats in between. After the tatoo tech finishes his job he ask her for $100 bucks. She looks at the tatoos and says, this does not look like Duran and that does not look like De La Hoya! She refuses to pay him. He takes her to small claims court. On the court date, the judge ask to look at the evidence. Because of the tatoos are in such a private area, he calls the woman into his chambers. She shows the judge her tatoos and the judge says, you know, this does not look anything at all like Duran, and that looks nothing at all like De la Hoya, but the one in the middle is without question, Don King!

My first submission since the net.jokes days … 1984?
Please feel free to substitute your own stereotypes.

An Englishman and a Texan are at lunch, in England.

The Texan says, In Texas, we grow potatoes eight inches across!

The Englishman says, In England, we grow them to fit English mouths.

For the benefit of those unfamiliar with livestock, there is an easy way to tell the difference between a cow and a bull.

The bull is the one with a smile on his face after you milk him.

Lyles Joke Boutique.

Yet Another Bumper Sticker:

Men think they rule the world,
but can they fake orgasm?

Heard from a co-worker:

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are.

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Cause it said concentrate.

Al llegar a su casa, una mujer de 60 años escucha ruidos extraños en una de las recámaras. Abre la puerta y descubre a su hija de 40 años usando un vibrador.

¿Qué estás haciendo?, pregunta sorprendida la madre.

Mamá, tengo 40 años y mírame, soy fea, nunca me casaré, así que esto es más o menos mi esposo.

La madre sale de la habitación moviendo la cabeza. Al otro día, el padre entra a su casa y escucha ruidos en el cuarto e inmediatamente entra, encontrando a su hija usando el vibrador.

¿Qué diablos estás haciendo?, pregunta ofendido el hombre.

Su hija replica:

Ya le dije a mamá. Tengo 40 años y soy fea. Nunca me casaré y esto es lo más cercano a un hombre… Como si alguna vez hubiese tenido esposo.

El padre sale de la habitación moviendo la cabeza. Al otro día, la madre llega a casa y encuentra a su esposo con una cerveza en una mano y el vibrador en la otra viendo el ESPN en la TV.

¿Qué estás haciendo?, grita ella.

¿Qué parece que estoy haciendo? ¡Estoy aquí sentado, tomando una cerveza y viendo el juego con mi yerno!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)



Step 3: Put turkey in the oven



Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey



Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens



Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink



Step 7: Turn oven the on



Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky



Step 9: Turk the bastey



Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get



Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer



Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey



Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours



Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey



Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey



Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick



Step 17: Turk the carvey



Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch



Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey



Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out