Old and New Jokes

One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane. When he jumped there was good and bad news….
Good news: He had a parachute.
Bad News: It didnt work.
Good News: There was a haystack down below.
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Good News: He missed the pitchfork.
Bad News: He missed the haystack.

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast,
and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways
in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her
and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt
over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought
her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to
her new home.

So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?

Its pretty nice, she replied. Except they wont let me fart.

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.God then created themonkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree,acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world istoo much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Manand told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. Youwill use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You willdominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord,to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years themule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkeyrejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding hishouse and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.And it is so.

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the men walked in the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.
The clerk said, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?
The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck.
He returned in a minute and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.
Alright. How long do you need them?
The customer paused for a minute and said, Id better go check.
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, A long time. Were gonna build a house.

Heres a fun tongue twister.

Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.

Read it LOUD and REAL FAST…see if you can do it!

DONT read the instructions until you get it right!!!

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is fool cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

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Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom 🙂

Three nuns were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said, Of course not.

The younger nun asked Did it hurt?

The sister replied Of course! He never called and he never wrote.

I Dont Think Hell Win Any Popularity Contests …

… On Monday morning it was determined to arrest the Greaser, Joe Pizzanthia, and to see precisely how his record stood in the Territory … A party started for his cabin, which was built on a side-hill. The interior looked darker than usual from the bright glare of the surrounding snow. The smmons to come forth being disregarded, Smith Ball and George Copley entered, contrary to the advice of their comrades, and instantly recieved the fire of their concealed foe. Copley was shot through the breast. Smith Ball recieved a bullet in the hip. They both staggered out, each ejaculating, Im shot. Copley was led off by two friends, and died of his wound. Smith Ball recovered himself, and was able to empty his six shooter into the body of the assassin, when the latter was dragged forth.

The popular excitement rose nearly to madness. Copley was a much-esteemed citizen, and Smith Ball had many friends. It was the instant resolution of all present that the vengeance on the Greaser should be summary and complete.

A party whose military experience was still fresh in their memory made a rush, at the double-quick, for a mountain howitzer which lay dismounted, where it had been left by the train to which it was attached. Without waiting to place it on the carriage, it was brought by willing hands to within five rods of the windowless side of the cabin, and some old artillerists, placing it on a box, loaded it with shell, and laid it for the building. by one of those omissions so common during times of excitement, the fuse was left uncut, and, being torn out in its passage through the logs, the missile never exploded, but left a clean breach through the wall, making chips fly. A second shell was put into the gun, and this time the fuse was cut, but the range was so short that the explosion took place after it had traversed the house.

Thinking that Pizantha might have taken refuge in the chimney, the howitzer was pointed for it and sent a solid shot through it. Meanwhile the military judgement of the leader had been shown by the posting of some riflemen opposite the shot-hole, with instructions to maintain so rapid a fire upon it that the beleaguered inmate should not be able to use it as a crenelle through which to fire upon the assailants. No response being given to the cannon and small-arms, the attacking party began to think of storming the dwelling.

The leader called for voulunteers to follow him. Nevada cast in her lot first, and men from the crowd joined. The half dozen stormers moved steadily, under cover of the edge of the last building, and then dased at the house, across the open space. The door had fallen from the effects of the fusilade; but, peeping in, they could not see anything until a sharp eye noticed the Greasers boots protruding. Two lifted the door while Smith Ball drew his revolver and stood ready. The remainder seized the boots.

On lifting the door, Pizanthia was found lying flat and badly hurt. His revolver was beside him. He was quickly dragged out, Smith Ball paying him for the would he had recieved by emptying his revolver into him.

A clothes-line was taken down and fastened round his neck; the leader climbed a pole, and the rest holding up the body, he wound the rope round the top of the stick of timber, making a jamb hitch. While aloft, fastening all securely, the crowd blazed away upon the murderer swinging beneath his feet. At his request,Say, boys! Stop shooting a minute-the firing ceased, and he came down by the run. Over one hundred shots were discharged at the swaying corpse.

A friend-one of the four Bannack originals-touched the leaders arms and said, Come and see my bonfire. Walking down to the cabin, he found that it had been razed to the ground by the maddened people, and was then in a bright glow of flame. A proposition to burn the Mexican was recieved with a shout of exultation. The body was hauled down and thrown upon the pile, upon which it was burned to ashes so completely that not a trace of a bone could be seen when the fire burned out.

In the morning some women of ill-fame actually panned out the ashes, to see whether the desperado had any gold in his purse.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.