Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One–but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, theres a better one. At McDougals, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink! The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, Yeah, thats a nice bar, but where I come from, theres a better one. Over in Brooklyn, theres this place, Vinnys. At Vinnys, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, You think thats great? Where I come from, theres this place called Warshowskis. At Warshowskis, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

Wow! say the other two.

Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

No, replies the Polish guy, but it happened to my sister!

A guy goes for his annual check-up, and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results.

Well, says the doc, Youre in pretty good health, however I do have some good news and bad news for you.

Give me the GOOD news first. requests the guy.

Youre penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical.

Thats GREAT! exclaims the guy, but whats the BAD news?

The doctor replies, Its malignant!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

Well, said the first one, I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.

I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.

Ive got you both beat, said the third.

I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.

Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.

En el asilo de ancianos, le pregunta un abuelo a otro:

¿Por qué te enfadaste con tu compañero de cuarto?

Por abusivo.

¿Por abusivo?

Sí, usaba mis camisas, mis corbatas y mis trajes, y no me importó. Lo que no pude tolerar fue que se riera de mí con mi propia dentadura postiza.

Jaimito era un gamberro en clase. La maestra era ciega. Un día enfadada le mando a todo el mundo a raparse la cabeza. Jaimito penso: Cómo me voy a rapar la cabeza con mi cabello tan bonito como lo tengo.

Entonces tuvo una idea. Al día siguiente la maestra empezó a tocar las cabezas de los niños y todas estaban correctas, pero cuando llegó a Jaimito, Jaimito le puso el culo para que lo tocara y la maestra exclamó:

¡Muy bien, Jaimito y con la raya en medio!

Did you hear that Clinton wants to change the national bird?

He wants to change it to the Swallow.

Yo mamas so fat she uses the Empire state building for a dildo.

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isnt quite ready for nite-nite yet.
The wife takes the hint and says OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right? No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.Her husband looks over and grunts, clumsy bitch.

Theres this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.

No, its not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.