Old and New Jokes

Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Humans:

Your cat waits and miaows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home

b) The phone rang twice while you were out

c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat miaows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please dont leave me here all alone

b) Goodbye

c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsupressed primal instinct

b) A sign of affection

c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out – I need to use the garden

b) Wanna go out and play

c) Wonder what theyve got to eat next door?

Cats:

Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) Its hungry

b) Its lost

c) Youre hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
a) supper

b) something to keep you going till suppers ready

c) inedible junk to be scorned in favour of what the humans got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
a) Youre in trouble – better not do it again

b) Nothing – humans do this from time to time

c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the humans bedroom at 4am

b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of

c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.

d) all of the above

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.

1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?

A man goes to the doctors and says, Doctor, Ive got this problem, only youve got to promise not to laugh.

The doctor replies, Of course I wont laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor Ive never laughed at a patient.



OK then, says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.



Im so sorry, he says to the patient, I dont know what came over me, I wont let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?



The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, Its swollen.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?

A liquor cabinet.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chicken!
Chicken who?
Chicken the oven, I can smell burning!

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five–one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.