Old and New Jokes

Una viejita está sentada en un parque llorando desconsoladamente cuando alguien se le acerca y le pregunta:

¿Qué le pasa?

Esh que mi eshposho tiene 22 años y por la mañana me hashe el amor como un toro y luego me hashe el deshayuno y me lo lleva a la cama.

¿Y qué hay de malo en eso?

Esh que al mediodía me prepara una rica sopa y luego me vuelve hasher el amor.

¿Y?

Que en la noche me prepara una shena gourmet a la lush de la vela y me hashe el amor ashta las 2:00 de la madrugada.

Pero eso es fantástico, no veo donde está el problema.

¡Esh que no me acuerdo donde vivooooo!

Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing.A: She had no arms.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Woody!
Woody who?
Woody answer the door please!

Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of prostitutes stide up to them.

Like any buisness tonight?

They ask, making sure their ample clevages are showing.

Ay! Allright Of course obviously they are scottish…

Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel accross road The first dwarf, Malcolm says.

They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms which are situated next to each other. Dwarf number 2 Jimmy as he likes to be called sits on the bed with his partner for the night.

Ahhh….has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself Jimmy tells his new found friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying to get lil Jimmy to cooperate…. To make the situation worse he can hear Malcolm in the next room….

ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!! Obviously he is having far greater success… In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God of sex… Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.

Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.

Ahhhh…hello Malcolm, what an appauling night…Lil Jimmy wasnt playing along says the dwarf…

Hah!! says Malcolm.

Its fine for you. I couldnt even get on the bed!!

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isnt working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Mens Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: Dear Mr. Burford… All is forgiven. Just tell us…where is it?

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
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A: Tell her a joke on Monday.

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.

We just tell them theyre going to die.

An old Jewish woman is standing by the riverbank..

She shouts out: Help, help…

A passer-by says: Whats the problem?

She explains: My son…..the lawyer…is drowning…