Old and New Jokes

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused
wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped
him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no
room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds
and said, I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior,
which is Christ the Lord.
Theres a problem with the angel, said a Pharisee who happened to be
strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as
religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols
were not allowed to land or even hover.
And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a
Nativity scene, he said sadly. Thats a no-no, too. Joseph had a bright
idea. What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?
he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
That would definitely help, said the Pharisee, who knew as well as
anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the
safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort.
Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen,
too, he said. No court can resist that.
Mary asked, What does my sons birth have to do with snowmen?
Snowpersons, cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered
dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was
painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too
tattered and worn in the picture. Artistic license, he said. Ive got
to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in
winter, he quipped. Were not haggard or homeless. The inn was just
full, said Mary. Whatever, said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus
birth because it privileged motherhood. The other scoffed at virgin
births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in
family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all
for them. Im not a single mother, Mary started to say, but she was
cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form
of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant
abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the
crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or
what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to
compensate for the infants unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy
debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the
elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely
standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

Id hold off on the reindeer, the man said, explaining that the use
of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries
the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets,
one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other
arguing that stables are penned environments where animals are
incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy
canes.

Signs declaring Free the Bethlehem 2 began to appear, referring to
the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus
head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. And what about you, old
mother? she said sharply to an elderly woman. Are you here to attack
the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain
that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just
to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined
some dumb new-age goddess religion?

None of the above, said the woman, I just wanted to tell you that the
Magi are here. Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd
gasped, Theyre all male! And Not very multicultural! Balthasar
here is black, said one of the Magi. Yes, but how many of you are gay
or disabled? someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find
an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of
Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your
son will change the world. At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She
turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke
again: There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important,
but cant we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For
instance, instead of all this business about Gloria in excelsis Deo,
why not just Seasons Greetings?

Mary said, You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the
message, Hello, its winter? Thats harsh, Mary, said the woman.
Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he
doesnt push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in
nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have
big office parties on his birthday. Thats not chopped liver.

Let me get back to you, Mary said.

1. American men and women spend 15% of their days running in slow motion along the beach.2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any
importance.5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

This blonde comes home to her house and realizes that its on fire. She picks up the phone and calls 911. She says, There is a fire at my house, And the fireman replys,How do you het there? The Blonde says back,Duh, a big red truck!

On the mornign after the wedding, the bride sobbed to the groom, When you asked me to marry you even though you got up two or three times a night, I never dreamt you meant you had kidney trouble.

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and dyed brown.A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, Of course. The blonde
thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, 352.This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally
amazed and exclaimed, Youre right! O.K., Ill keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock.The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, O.K., now I have
a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease, says the waiter. The Texan says, Whats a shortage? The Russian says, Whats a steak? The New Yorker says, Whats excuse me?

A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over.

What do you mean? said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even THAT hurts.

The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, she said.

I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger.

Estaba un negro totalmente perdido en el desierto del Sahara, sin agua, sin comida, sin nada, totalente solo… en eso en uno de sus últimos pasos descubre una pequeña lámpara mágica. Sorprendido, la frota con gran ansiedad y fe de salvarse.

Se le aparece un genio que le dice:

A ver, ya que me despertaste te voy a conceder tus tres deseos, pero dímelos todos juntos para ahorrar tiempo. Entonces el negro se queda pensando unos segundos y dice:

¡Ya los tengo¡ Primero, quiero ser blanco, mi segundo deseo es ver muchos culos, sí, ver muchos culos, y por último… quiero quitarme la tremenda sed que tengo, así que quiero que nunca más me falte el agua. Listo, esos son mis tres deseos.

Y entonces le dice el genio:

¡Deseos concedidos!

Y lo comvierte en un escusado (retrete).

1. select Bait

2. select hole



3. pull out big rod



4. cast rod in



5. go upstream not down



6. pay for bait when finished



7. leave with chatch

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, Quite right, old bean!

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond thats my name, dont wear it out!

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the master of the pan flute.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.