Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

A Scotsman is sitting at the bar with his pint of beer, when a fly
suddenly lands in the glass.

The Scot yanks the fly out of the beer, grabs it by the throat, and
yells: Damn you! Spit that back out!

A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks.

One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass. They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing.

They walk over to him and ask Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car.

He says I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times.

A lawyer and an engineer <or some other honest profession member 🙂 >
were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, I am here because my
house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance
company paid for everything.

That is quite a coincidence, said the
engineer, I am here because my house and all my belongings were
destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, how do you start a flood?

If youve got the time, Ive got the inclination.

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine…

Youre a dumb-looking button! You dont have much of a future, either! Youre going to be replaced by a much better looking button! Ive got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.

What in the heck are you doing? her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads… DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE.

Harveys grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, Vat sims to be ze problem?

Harvey says, Im not sure, but it doesnt go tick-tock-tick-tock anymore. Now it just goes tick…tick…tick.

The old man says, Mmm-Hm! and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.

Then he says in a menacing voice, Ve haf vays of making you tock!

Eran tres maes que entran a una discoteque y se sientan en una mesa. En la mesa del frente ven a una atractiva chica que está sola; entonces dice uno de ellos: ¿Ven a aquella hembra que está allí al frente? Vean y aprendan cómo se conquista a una chica.

Se acerca a la chica y le dice: Esteee, ¿hola muchacha cómo está? Bueno, es que yo quería preguntarle a ver si podría bailar una pieza conmigo.

A lo que ella responde: ¿Usted está loco? Cuándo a visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?

El pobre se fue a sentar a la mesa con el rabo entre las patas. Entonces se para el segundo y dice: Tú lo hiciste mal, yo te enseñaré cómo hacerlo.

Se acerca a la chica y dice: Mmmm, hola hermosura. ¿Cómo es que una chica tan bella esté aquí sentada tan sola. ¿Qué te parece si bailamos una pieza y luego nos tomamos algo?

Y la chica le contesta: ¿Queeé? ¿Cuándo ha visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?

Y este otro mae se fue a sentar sin siquiera volver a levantar la cabeza. Entonces se para el tercero que se lo llevaba puta del colerón y le dice a los otros: Vean hijueputas yo a ustedes les voy a enseñar de verdad cómo se conquista una zorra de esas.

Entonces se acerca a la hembra y con tono áspero: Hey, usted.

¿Quién, yo?

Sí estúpida, ¿con quién más cree que estoy hablando? Bueno yo nada más venía a preguntarle a ver si quería bailar alguna mierda de canción.

¡Ja!, ¿cuándo ha visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?

Y el mae le responde: No, yo nada más le vine a pedir que bailáramos, no que me la mamara.

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the mans trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, You shouldnt do that. Hell never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!.

The blind man retorted, Im not rewarding him.
Im just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!

A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical.

After the doctor completes the physical, she says, You can get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few days. Stop by my office and Ill review the exam I just gave you.

When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, Well, you seem to be in perfect health. I couldnt find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, Id like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I cant think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh.

The patient says, Well, theres a perfectly good reason for that …you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week.