Old and New Jokes

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.

1. Youd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, Step right up and give it whirl! 8. All day long your motto is, Never again.

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for
driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four
frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be
counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to
qualify.

12. Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?
11. … thats right, not even McGyver could fix it.
10. So — what are you wearing?
9. Duuuuuude! Bummer!
8. Looks like youre gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Capn.
7. Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if youre with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if youre with the FTC.
6. We can fix this, but youre gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.
5. Im sorry, Dave. Im afraid I cant do that.
4. In laymans terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.
3. Hold on a second … Mom! Timmys hitting me!
2. Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.

   and the Number 1 Thing You Dont Want to Hear From Tech Support …

1. Please hold for Mr. Gates attorney.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In three words I can sum up everything Ive learned about life. IT GOES ON.

Accept than some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.

There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again.

If you cant be the tablecloth, dont be the dishrag.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.

I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? … How would you know?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves.

Im not just a gardener, Im a Plant Manager.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I dont suffer from stress. Im a carrier.

Id give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a No Fear T-shirt. –Lev L. Spiro

Theres no real need to do housework — after four years it doesnt get any worse.

Everybody is somebody elses weirdo. –Dykstra

O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, Cause what can an antelope say?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Youll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Dont hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure theyre going to have some pretty annoying virtues. –Elizabeth Taylor

Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. –Time Bandits

Good news is just lifes way of keeping you off balance.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

Dont cook tonight — starve a rat today!

Grelbs Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

En un congreso feminista se hace la propuesta de darle un nombre más apropiado al pene. La proponente decía:

¿Por qué llamarle pito, si no pita…?

El público: ¡Siiiiiiiiiiiiii!

¿Por qué llamarle pájaro, si no vuela…?

El público: ¡Siiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Siguió dando muchos ejemplos y al final dijo:

¡Yo propongo que le llamemos Bill Gates!

Una de las presentes le dice: Todo lo anterior lo entendemos, pero ¿por qué llamarle Bill Gates?

Contesta la proponente: ¡Porque es asquerosamente rico!

Finagles Creed: Science is true. Dont be misled by facts.