Old and New Jokes

A nuncio, where they exist, has the rank of an ambassador.
While in Paris, Roncalli once said: You know, its rough being
a papal nuncio. I get invited to these diplomatic parties where
everyone stands around with a small plate of canapes trying not
to look bored. Then, in walks a shapely woman in a low-cut,
revealing gown, and everyone in the whole place turns around
and looks–AT ME!

Little Lee was acting up, so he was sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: Da-ad…

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…

What?

Im thirsty… Can I have a drink of water?

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!

Five minutes later… Daaaa-aaaad…

WHAT?!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)

We now live in a country where we have no President but we do have …

a dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.

a fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.

a new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss of the man who may be President.

a Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be President and son of a man who was.

a sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same men who voted to remove him from office.

a senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this standoff despite the fact that he is 98.

a potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name off the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding factor in how the Senate is composed.

And finally …

A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic Attorney General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes without appearing to be partisan.

Any questions? Frankly, I dont see what the confusion is all about.

(Anonymous)

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldnt put it down?

Whats the formula for water? -H-two-O Whats the formula for an ice cube? -H-two-O-CUBED

Q: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?
A: Oxymoron

The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.

Their idea of a catalyst:

2 bags of cat litter
3 cans of cat food
1 can of flea powder
1 collar

Q: How do you get lean molecules?
A:Feed them titrations.

Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?
A: Because its polar.

Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory?
His business went insolvent.

Q: Whats the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.

Un tipo está parado en una esquina fumándose un pucho; en eso ve un Renault Megane último modelo, amarillo, parado en el semáforo. Del interior del auto, un sujeto le hace señas:

Vení, aguantá que estaciono.

El tipo se acerca al vehículo con admiración:

¿Qué hacés, jetón? ¿Qué hacés? ¡Mirá la plata que hiciste! ¿Te ganaste el loto?

No, laboro en los baños de Constitución.

¿Cómo?

Sí, escucha: yo entro al baño y hago que estoy meando; cuando entra un tipo a mear, saco la navaja, le agarro la poronga y le digo: me das la plata o te la corto. Y así saco $700 mangos por día.

¡Uh, qué bueno! ¿Vos crees que yo podría probar?

Y sí, todo depende de vos. Toma, esta es la navaja, anda, hace lo que te conté y mañana hablamos, ¡dale!

¡Dale!

Al otro día se encuentran de nuevo estos dos personajes:

¿Y cómo te fue?

Bárbaro, hice $40 mangos.

¿Eso sólo?

Sí, pero… ¡Mirá la poronga que me traje, pelotudo!

Yo momma so damn heavy that when she stands on the scales to get weighed it says TO BE CONTINUED!

For the millionth time, stop exaggerating.

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. As she got to one little girl who was working very diligently, she asked what the little girl was drawing. The little girl replied, Im drawing God.

The teacher paused awkwardly and said, But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, They will in a minute.

What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?

A:> A MegasaurASS

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.