Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?

A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Sardar says, I want my 20 lakhs.

The man replied, No, sir. It doesnt work that way. We give you one lakh today and then youll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks.

The Sardar said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.

Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.

The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, Look, I want my money! If youre not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!

A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names & birthdays

Read all of the mail from all of the groups Ive subscribed to

Limit my subscriptions of e-mail jokes to a maximum of fifty

See if theres anything on those 5 1/4 disks really worth saving

Back-up 5 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly

Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta

Insist that all ten best lists be strictly limited to ten

Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk

Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail

Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway

Promise when I hear Where do you want to go today ? I wont laugh

Think of a password other than password to use on web sites

Try to keep Hot Bookmarks under 1,000 entries

Remember people who use low baud and mhz rates have feelings too

Stop using =-) in all inter-office memos

Start deleting stuff I havent used in over 5 years

Engage in small talk & not mention computers for at least 10 minutes

Try to think up some new resolutions before next year

In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him, Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?

The boy replies, Daddy I was jus gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?

The father says, Boy don be tellin me you don know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin..

The boy says, Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife.

The father replies, So what difference dis make?

To which the son says, Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she aint good nuff for her own family she shore aint good enough for ours!

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A little girl stands up and says, Walt Disney World is so fascinating. The teacher says, No, thats not correct. I said, fascinate. Another little girl stands up and says, Theres so much fascination when it comes to sea life. The teacher again says, No, the word is fascinate. So a little boy in the back of the room stands up and says, Well, my sister has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt.

Inventions by Blondes…

1. The water-proof towel

2. Glow in the dark sunglasses

3. Solar powered flashlights

4. Submarine screen doors

5. A book on how to read

6. Inflatable dart boards

7. A dictionary index

8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners

9. Powdered water

10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs

11. Waterproof tea bags

12. Watermelon seed sorter

13. Zero proof alcohol

14. Reuseable ice cubes

15. See-through toilet tissue

16. Skinless bananas

17. Do-it-yourself road map

18. Turnip ice cream

19. Toe implants

20. An all white flag

21. Rolls Royce pickup truck

22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says, Its better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says, Youre both wrong. Its best to have both so that when the wife thinks youre with the mistress and the mistress thinks youre with your wife, you can do some mathematics.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through ourprogram of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).



We are trying to giveour students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you donot receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer.



You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and ourlecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. youcan handle.



Students who dont know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONALEVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, theydont have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.



If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).



For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONALRESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how tomanage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct themto our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).Thank you,



BOSS IN GENERAL



SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, Say, why did the foreman fire you?

Replied the second, Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.