Old and New Jokes

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a semi-retired minister…Now, now, keep calm, folks he said. Lets all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except one fellow near the back.

Why arent you bowing your head to pray? the minister asked.

Well, I dont know how to pray, replied the passenger.

Well, just do something religious! piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat.

A lundsman was walking along a street in Brooklyn, when he was approached by a man who asked the lundsman, Say, do you like pussycats?, to which the lundsman replied, Sure. So how did you know my name vas Katz?

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didnt want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, hed hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, How did he do that? Next he took him to a pile of 2x4s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed.

Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more. Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over.

They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said

You think youve got me, dont you? Well I know what that is. Thats the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

Confucious say:

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet

high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for

boy to park meat in girl! Man who jizz in cash register come into

money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart

in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get

caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball

wrong–man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get

good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with

smelly finger. Learn to masturbate–come in handy. Woman who pounce

on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must

pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes? the man asked.

Because, replied the blonde, my computer keeps telling me that Ive got mail!

Tips for Moving South…Yee-Haw!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerners name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Dont be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: Yall is singular. All yall is plural. All yalls is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, You aint from around here, are you?

11. People walk slower here.

12. Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective Big ol, as in big ol truck or big ol boy. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The He needed killin defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this! stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their cars windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something youre supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also hear expressions such as, Laud, Have mercy, Good Laud, and Laudy, Laudy, Laudy.

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, youre better off trying to find it yourself.

A blonde meets up with a friend as shes picking up her car from the mechanic.

Everything ok with your car now?

Yes, thank goodness, the blonde replies.

Werent you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?

Yeah, but he didnt. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!

From Docs Daily Chuckle …

Some people say that Im superficial, but thats just on the surface.

If ignorance is bliss, why arent more people happy?

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Someday is not a day of the week.

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.

Internesia = the growing tendency to forget exactly where in Cyberspace you saw a particular bit of information.

Ambivalence may or may not be my problem.

10. Secretly replace the babys formula with Folgers Crystals.

9. Get a couple of old refrigerator boxes and paint them up to look like a toll booth. Set it up on your favorite street corner and watch the quarters roll in.

8. Make yourself up like youve been in a horrible, mutilating accident, then go to the emergency room of the nearest hospital. When approached by a nurse or doctor, say, No, thank-you, Im
just browsing.

7. Call the Microsoft Support Line and insist on speaking directly to Bill Gates. Tell them that MS-DOS was your idea and you demand royalties. Demand Bills home phone number. Get verbally abusive when they refuse you.

6. Two words: Cherry Bomb.

5. Make two dinner reservations at the finest restaurant you can find, then dress yourself and a goat in tuxedos. When the Management refuses you service, insist that the animal is a
seeing-eye goat. For added effect, feed the goat a few boxes of EX-LAX before you arrive.

4. Join the Ku Klux Klan and when you find out where the next cross-burning will be held, invite 70-80 of your best, biggest and strongest African-American friends. Have them remove their
sheets at a predetermined moment.

3. Order a pizza and tell them to hold the crust.

2. Tape computer boards and cards all over your body and walk around the streets screaming, IM STEVE AUSTIN, THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN!!!

1. Crochet a doiley!

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.



Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.



The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.



What on earth did you do that for? shouts Frank. You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze.



Matt replies, And we werent?