Old and New Jokes

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the lawyer passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,

Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents.

El sacerdote de la comunidad se dirige al área de maternidad de un hospital, y se encuentra con dos sujetos que estaban esperando el nacimiento de sus hijos. Se dirige al primero:

¿Cuántos hijos tienes?

Dieciséis contando éste.

Un buen católico, le dice el cura al tiempo que le palmea la espalda.

Y tú, ¿cuántos hijos tienes?, se dirige al segundo.

Tengo diez.

Otro buen católico, sonríe el clérigo.

No, soy protestante, precisa el tipo.

En tono cortante, el religioso observa:

¡Un maniático sexual, por lo visto!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

Bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

Clinton: We forgive you… Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery is not a family value

Does character matter YET?

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender replies, Sorry, we dont serve food here.

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check hed been given.

This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on, he said.

I know, the owner said. Last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.

The contractor said. Well, I dont mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.

Never trust a dog to watch your food. When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? dont answer. Never tell your mom her diets not working. Stay away from prunes.Never pee on an electric fence. Dont squat with your spurs on.Dont pull dads finger when he tells you to. When your mom is mad at your dad, dont let her brush your hair. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. Dont sneeze in front of mum when youre eating crackers. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Dont wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when shes on the phone. Never try to baptize a cat.

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. Patrick Henry, 1775, he said.

Very good! Who said Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? Again, no response except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863., said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do. he heard a loud whisper: Fuck the Japs.

Who said that? she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. Lee Iacocca, 1982. At that point, a student in the back said, Im gonna puke.

The teacher glares and asks All right! Now, who said that? Again, Suzuki says, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.

Now furious, another student yells, Oh yeah? Suck this! Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, You little shit. If you say anything else, Ill kill you. Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, Oh shit, were fucked.

Suzuki said, The Taliban! 2001

Un caballo entra a una cantina y pide un tequila doble; se lo toma y se va. Del otro lado de la cantina están dos borrachos. Asombrado, uno de ellos le pregunta al otro:

¿Notaste algo raro?

Creo que sí, contesta confundido el compañero.

¿Y qué fue?

No pago.