A Belgian walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.
My first wish the Belgian said, is a bottle of beer that will never be empty.
And flash, there was the bottle. The Belgian opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. The Belgian was very happy.
What is your second wish ?, the dwarf asked.
The Belgian replied: I want another bottle
Why did the blonde scale the chain-linked fence?
An overly-sexed young man, who had an erection at the slightest provocation, went to a doctor for medical advice. The doctor suggested that he tape the organ to his leg. Shortly thereafter, the doctor received a call from the man who complained bitterly that the doctor had been the cause of his girlfriend leaving him, as well as possible criminal charges being filed. The doctor, mystified, asked the young man to explain.
The man said that he and his girl were walking down the street, and that she had spotted a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk, skipped ahead to pick it up, bent over at the waist, and he promptly booted her with his foot right in her butt.
Farmer smith was not satisfied with the yield of his milk cows, so he decided to called in an animal psychologist, an engineer and a physicist to try and improve matters. All three inspected the farm and the cows and made there recommendations.
The animal psychologist went first, If you paint the milking shed green the cows will be happier and happy cows will give more milk.
Then came the turn of the engineer. If you narrow the milking stalls by 10 centimetres you will be able to add an extra stall and thus be able to milk an extra cow in the same time.
Farmer Smith was very happy so far, now it came to the turn of the physicist. He got out a black board and started drawing an elaberate diagram. Then he started to talk:
First, consider the Cow as a sphere, radius r.
You probably have to have studied physics to get the joke!
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
All the traffic is tied up all over LA and the man got out of his car to try to find out why he wasnt moving…its OJ again he was told…. he is sitting in the middle of the highway and threatening to set himself on fire because he says he cant afford to pay all that money he was ordered to pay.
Well what is being done about it the man asked ..to which the other man replied we are taking up a collection….how much do you have he asked.
Ive got 3 gallons the other man replied.
A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over. The man says, Whats the problem officer?
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry, you were going 80. Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light
Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for months. Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells, Bitch, shut your damn mouth
The Officer turns to the woman and says, Mam,does your husband talk to you this way all the time?? Wife says, No, only when hes drunk.
Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
New Wave is their PARENTS musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols – are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
If they have heard the name Oliver North, it was probably as a losing Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history texts reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s.
They see Family Ties as something middle aged ladies watch.
They watched Star Wars years ago, when they were kids – on video.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one.
From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing – and why anyone WOULDNT buy a suburban is beyond them.
Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went to Catholic schools.
Brenda OMalley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
Brenda, may I come in? he asks. Ive somethin to tell ya.
Of course you can come in. Youre always welcome, Tim.
But wheres my husband?
Thats what Im here to be tellin ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.
Oh, God no! cries Brenda. Please dont tell me…
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. Im sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. How did it happen, Tim?
It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?
Well, no Brenda, no.
No?
Fact is, he got out three times to pee.