Old and New Jokes

It seems a man in Balham, South London decided to write a book about churches, mosques and synagogues around the country. He started by driving to Scotland and started working south from there.

He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads; £10,000.00 a minute. Seeking out the reverend father he asks about the phone and the sign. The reverend father answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

He thanks the reverend and continues on his way. As he visits churches and mosques in Glasgow, Newcastle, Blackpool, Carlisle, Cardiff, Birmingham and London, he finds more phones with the same sign. From each reverend father, vicar mullah and pastor he receives the same answer.

Finally, he arrives into Clayhall, Essex and into a synagogue. Upon entering, low and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign reads; Calls: 25 pence Fascinated, he speaks to the Rabbi. Rabbi I have been in cities all across the country and in each church and mosque I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in all other places of worship the cost was £10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 pence a call. Why?

The Rabbi , smiling benignly, replies; My son, youre in Clayhall, Essex now. Its a local call.

Two teenagers were walking through a park when they saw two rabbits getting it on, fast and furious.

What are they doing? asked the girl.

Theyre jumping rope, said the boy. Maybe Ill teach you how someday.

I think I want you to teach me now, said the girl. So the two went behind some bushes and started getting it on. When the boy had his pants down, the girl asked what that was behind his rope.

That, said the boy, thats my knot.

Well, said the girl, untie the knot and give me some more rope.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Richard Gephart) It doesnt matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; well see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.

Está un norteño en el lobby-bar de un hotel y se le acerca una guapa chica:

Hola, ¿como estaá?

Qué paso huerca ¿ya nos conocíamos?

No, pero podemos conocernos ¿nos tomamos una copa?

Pos… bebedor bebedor, lo que se dice bebedor, no soy, pero nos latomamos.

Después de varias copas dice la chica:

¿Bailamos?

Pos bailador bailador, lo que se dice bailador, no soy, pero pos bailamos.

Un rato después dice la chica: ¿Vamos a la cama?

Pos dormilón dormilón, lo que se dice dormilón, pos no soy, pero vamos pues.

Después de hacer el amor toda la noche, la dama le dice al norteño:

Bueno, pues me tengo que ir ¿te parece bien que sean cinco mil pesos?

Pos… padrotón padrotón, lo que se dice padrotón pos no soy, pero ahí déjalos en el buró de mi cama…

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, Would you like me to be your friend?

The girl hesitated, then said, Okay, looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, Why are you standing here all alone?

Because, the little girl said with great exasperation, Im the goalie!

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish!

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.

The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for?

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on
accelerator: California*

* with gun also in lap: L.A.

Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians
cross against the light: San Francisco

One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the
dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right
foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon
Valley, listening to KEZR

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in
lap, foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from
their own or anothers car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful
eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and
pick up any bullets that didnt hit other motorists so as not to
litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with New York plates.

Yo mama so fat that when she walked into a zoo elephants throw peanuts at her.

Yo mama is so ugly she went to a beauty parlor and it took 3 hours.. for an estimate.

Yo mama is so bald, you can see whats on her mind

Yo mama is soooo ugly, when she was young, she was fed with a slingshot…

Yo mamma so fat when she sat around the house, she sat around the house…

Yo momma so fat when she sat on a rainbow, skittles fell out…

Yo mama is so poor you cant kill the roaches in yo house cause they pay half the rent.

Yo mamma so hairy that bigfoot took a picture of her…

Yo mamma so fat shes on both sides of the family!

Yo moma is so stupid she brought a spoon to the super bowl!

Ya mama is so poor she cant afford to pay attention…

Yo mamas so fat that she has to stop to weigh between state lines!

Yo mama is so fat, she has more chins than a chinese phone book…

Yo mamas so fat she has to use a boomerrang to get her belt on…

Yo mama is so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game

Yo mamas so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

You Mama is like a Doorknob, everybody gets a turn…

Yo mama so stupid she thought Boyz2Men was a Daycare center.

Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I wear,and I said GUESS, she said Levis.

Yo mama so stupid she send me a Fax with a stamp on it.

Yo mama is so fat, she puts on lip stick witha paint roller!

Yo Moma is so ugly she needs 2 tickets when she goes to the zoo. 1 to get in and 1 to get back out!

Yo mamas so fat underneath the picture on her drivers liscence it says picture continued on other side…

Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?

Santa.

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.