Old and New Jokes

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, Im a walking economy.

The friend replies How so?



My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!

After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a moron. He looked at he like he was saying,
Dad, do you know anything?

He finally said Dad I looked moron up in the dictionary and the definition of it is a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old. Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!

Quisiera ser ardilla… Para comerte ¡bellota!

Quisiera ser vampiro… ¡Para bajarte la regla a chupetones!

Quisiera ser tu ginecólogo… ¡Para chuparme los dedos!

Vamos a hacer barbacoa: ¡Tú pones el hoyo y yo el animal!

¡Mátame a pedos que quiero morir hediondo!

Aquí esta tu jabonsote… ¡Sucia!

Si eres virgencita… ¡Te la mamo hincado!

Si se junta el mar y el río… ¡Vamos a juntar tu miembro con el mío!

¡Mucha carne y yo cursiento!

Con esa cola… ¡Ni refresco pido!

¿Qué comen los pajaritos? ¡Masita!

Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his teams woeful record:



We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play.

One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor.

D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?



Hop on to the table, and Ill give you an exam.



After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.



It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected.



I d-d-d-dont c-c-c-care. Ill d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes.



So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the doctors office a couple of weeks later.



Doctor, I dont stutter anymore, but my girlfriends really mad at me. Do you think that theres any way to get it reattached?



I d-d-d-dont t-t-t-think s-s-s-so

A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?.

The wife replies in sign language, if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you dont want to have sex bite my left nipple twice.

Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.

The husband replies Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you dont want to have sex pull penis 27 times.

Some possible titles for the new Bill Clinton movie:

Dial M for Monica Saving Clintons Privates All the Presidents Women The Lying King Free Willy Terms of Impeachment Driving Miss Monica Independent Counsel Day The Six Commandments The Full Monica President on a Hot Tin Roof Red Faced in October Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency Bedtime for Bubba The Me Lie Massacre!

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.

All about smoking:

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. Its only fair. Since smokers arent around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while theyre here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts — especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don’t have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there’s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.

What should we do?, said Ed.

Hmmm, lets think., replied Fred.

Ed shook his head, No, lets do something you can do too!