Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with, and you carry your groceries in in the other one.

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Heres what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL – We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET – I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY – I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, DISMAY hurt a little.

OMELETTE – Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY – When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE – I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, Gimme one MOBILE.

DEFENSE – I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO – I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH – I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET – I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING – My girlys birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA – I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE – DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA – At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, DATA boy!

COPULATE – I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, COPULATE!

FASCINATE – My girlys boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE – I asked the man at the unemployment office, Is this BEWARE I get a job?

COATROOM – The judge said, One more outburst like that, and youll be thrown out the COATROOM.

DECIDE – I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, What do you want for your birthday? Smitty says, I want to get laid.

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

Theres Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?

Smitty says, For a hundred bucks I want her nude!

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, I love you. Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, Whats for dinner?

When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.

When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.

When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.

When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our Ocean Of Motion Love Potion. Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed The Dead Sea.

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The one man told the other to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. I thought I told you to be quiet! he said. I was when the snake bit me, the man said. And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said Should we eat them or take them with us I screamed.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, youll get em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Youd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people youd worked for, like "Heywood JBlowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry Im late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and youd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, youd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "Youre #1!" Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, youd get the day off to go drinking. Mothers Day, too. St. Patricks Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. Two words: Ally McNaked. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. Thats $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beattys address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you cant because there isnt one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as friends, but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase digital compression in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase digital compression. Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you dont have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying phone number and replace it with voice number, since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than 🙂

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perots phrase electronic town hall makes more sense than the term information superhighway, but you dont because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think its okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an intriguing fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say I dont know when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And dont use a laptop.

Q: Why should you never ask one Baptist over to watch football with you, but instead always invite two?

A: Invite one, hell drink all your beer.

Invite two and neither of them will drink a drop!

A man is talking to the family doctor. Doc, I think my wifes going deaf. The doctor answers, Well, heres something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesnt answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then youll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, Honey, whats for dinner? He doesnt hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

Honey, whats for dinner? Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until hes standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, For the eleventh time, I said were having MEATLOAF!

Here it is.

This joke is funnier when told…

There is this (choose your favorite ethnic) man. He goes to a toy shop, to buy, a gift for his daughter…

He looks at a toy car: How muj iz dis?

$100 answers the clerk.

He thinks its too much.

He looks at a ball: How muj iz dis?

$5 answers the clerk.

He thinks its too little.

Then, he finds the perfect thing, a doll. He again asks: How muj iz dis?

$30 answers the clerk.

He is happy, just the right amount of money he wants to spend.

So, He pays for the doll, and he starts to leave. Before he leaves, he remembers he wanted the doll to be gift wrapped.

So he asks the clerk: Can u rape it phor me?