A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
It aint so bad, one crook noted. We got $25 between us.
The boss screamed: I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!
Whats a mans idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower
Qué sexo es más fácil de complacer…
¿CÓMO HACER FELIZ A UNA MUJER?
Hacer feliz a una mujer es fácil, sólo se necesita ser:
Amigo
Compañero
Hermano
Maestro
Educador
Cocinero
Mecánico
Plomero
Decorador de interiores
Estilista
Electricista
Sexólogo
Gineco – obstetra
Psiquiatra
Terapeuta
Audaz
Simpático
Atlético
Cariñoso
Atento
Caballeroso
Inteligente
Imaginativo
Creativo
Dulce
Fuerte
Comprensivo
Tolerante
Prudente
Ambicioso
Capaz
Valiente
Decidido
Confiable
Respetuoso
Apasionado
Y sobre todo… ¡Muy solvente!
De la misma forma, hay que poner atención en:
No ser celoso, pero tampoco desinteresado.
Llevarse bien con su familia, pero no dedicarles más tiempo que a ella.
Darle su espacio, pero mostrarse preocupado por dónde estuvo.
Y muy importante es:
No olvidar las fechas de cumpleaños, aniversario de novios, de boda, graduación, santo, menstruación, fecha del primer beso, cumpleaños de la tÃa y del hermano o hermana más querida, cumpleaños de los abuelos, de la mejor amiga.
Desgraciadamente, el cumplir al pie de la letra estas instrucciones no garantiza al 100% la felicidad de ella, porque podrÃa sentirse inmersa en una vida de sofocante perfección y fugarse con el primer desgraciado vividor que encuentre.
Dios dijo: ¡Amadlas! PERO NUNCA DIJO QUE HABÃA QUE ENTENDERLAS.
¿CÓMO HACER FELIZ A UN HOMBRE?
Hacer feliz a un hombre es fácil, sólo se necesita:
Sexo
Comida
¿Somos o no somos una ganga?
Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Bengs colourful attire, his mind screamed, Not this man!!
Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!
The words are Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black.
Ah Beng thought for a while and said I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blues that? White did you say? Sorry, wrong number. Dont purplely disturb people and dont call Black, ok?
Ah Beng got the job.
[This is a throwaway piece I did for the Wells writers conference.
One of the participants was blocked on a characterization issue, and
stated that theyd lost contact with the characters. -Z]
Topic 1273 [writers]: HELP! I quit my job to become a writer. Whats Next?
#553 of 554: Stephan Zielinski (szielins) Mon Feb 24 97 (21:12) 47 lines
> How did you lose contact with your characters?
Well, what usually happens to me is they move and dont leave a
forwarding address.
Then, when I catch up to them again, they give me this *look*. Since
the last time we worked together, one said to me just the other day,
Ive met a wonderful woman, Ive got a good job, Ive got respect in
my community. When I was working with you, I spent all day poring
over ancient texts in languages I barely knew, and spent all night
running away from zombies. And when it was all done, I had nothing to
show for it but a half-dozen concealed weapons violations to answer
for in the Hall of Justice, and the bill from a therapist who thought
Id hallucinated the whole thing and should probably be
institutionalized.
It wont be zombies this time, I said.
Oh, of course not. I know all about zombies now. Itll be something
else, probably that Ive never heard of. And Ill either lose my
girlfriend, when I start muttering under my breath, or worse shell
believe me and spend two months as a target.
Look, all this is negotiable. Let me introduce you to… hrm… an
ex-KGB emigre? A gun runner, so youll never have to worry about
running out of bullets again. Youll like her, shes a stunning
blonde, eyes as blue as the sea, endearing mole on the back of her
hand…
Come off it. Once we defeat the weresnails or whatever it is youve
got waiting in the wings, were supposed to settle down? Im an
archaeologist, for crying out loud. Shes supposed to give up her
gun-running ring and watch me dust off potshards for the rest of her
life?
Well, you could show her the error of her ways.
Terrific. And what are we going to talk about over the Sunday paper?
My goodness, honey, it sure is terrific being able to spend time with
you without having to make sure Ive got a silver dagger where I can
reach it.
What could I say to convince you?
Im writing erotica now.
A foursome is waiting at the mens tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it – and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, I guess all those fricking lessons I took this winter, didnt help. One of the men immediately replies, Now, you see, thats your problem….. You should have taken golf lessons instead.
In PC World, how does a chicken cross the road?
NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM):
Its already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken:
It doesnt need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road …
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldnt have to cross the road, youd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Cant cluck, cant fly, and cant lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you dont dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.
Lotus Chicken:
Dont you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so theres no way to tell it to.
[author unknown]
There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire department and asked them to come put it out.
When they asked how to get to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said… Duh, use the big red truck!
The AOL Car
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim its the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just lock-up for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lotsa pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, Good-Bye.