Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck… if you use your great uncles underpants for cleaning rags.

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a
problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing, Hi, were prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?

Thats terrible! the priest exclaims, but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I
will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray
and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and
worship the Lord.

Thank you! the woman responds.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests
house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the
female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, Put
the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

Mac Beer — At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a light beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that you dont need to know. A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, Honey, have you seen my other shoe?

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front and three in the back of the car – wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, you werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly – twenty-two miles an hour, the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, the officer says, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time.

Oh, theyll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.

1. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

2. 6:00 A.M. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

3. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

4. You carry an umbrella.

5. You watch the Weather Channel.

6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.

9. Youre the one calling the police because those damn kids next door dont know how to turn down the stereo.

10. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

11. You dont know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

12. Your potted plants stay alive.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

15. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 P.M.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.

19. You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Tastey Kakes.

23. I just cant drink the way I used to replaces Im never going to drink that much again.

24. You dont get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

Un cura estaba distribuyendo Biblias para que las personas las vendieran y ayudaran a financiar la remodelación de su iglesia. Un día llegó un tartamudo a ofrecer sus servicios:

Pa… pa… padre, yo qui… qui… quisiera ayudarle a ve… ve… vender Bi… Biblias.

Conmovido por su intención de ayudar, el sacerdote le da un lote de Biblias al tartamudo. Por la tarde, al cerrar cuentas, el religioso iba preguntando a sus colaboradores:

Tú, ¿cuántas vendiste?

Vendí dos.

¿Y tú?

Vendí una.

Y tú, ¿cuántas vendiste?, le pregunta al tartamudo.

Yo ve… ve… vendí to… todo.

¿Todo? Pero, ¿cómo pudiste vender tanto?

Es si… si… simple. Yo llegaba con la pe… persona y le pre… preguntaba: ¿Usted va a co… co… comprar un Bi… Bi… Biblia o pre… pre… prefiere que yo se… se lea?

Debido al fallecimiento del abuelo a los 95 años, el joven Camilo fue a dar el pésame a su abuela de 90 años. Camilo llega y encuentra a la anciana llorando y la consuela. Un rato después, ya más calmada, el nieto aprovecha y le pregunta:

Dime, abuelita ¿cómo murió el abuelo?

Fue haciendo el amor, le confiesa la mujer.

Camilo, horrorizado, le replica que las personas de 90 años o más no deberían tener sexo porque es muy peligroso. Pero la abuela le aclara:

Lo hacíamos solamente los domingos, desde hace cinco años, con mucha calma, al compás de las campanadas de la iglesia. Ding para meterlo y dong para sacarlo… ¡Si no fuera por el hijoeputa del carrito de helados, el abuelo estaría vivo!

It takes a big man to admit when hes wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when hes right.

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse
could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.