Old and New Jokes

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances, they explained.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The man looked horrified and said, You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife! Well, said the CIA man, youre definitely not the right man for this job then.

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained to the second man.

Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.

No, the CIA man replied, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!

Este era un chamo que vendía chupetas de cuca a todo grito:

¡Chupeta e cuca! ¡Chupeta e cuca!

Un muchacho escucha y le parece una muy buena oferta.

¿Cuánto valen?

50 Bs.

Ah, dame una entonces.

Pero cuando la prueba, le reclama:

¡Pero esto sabe a culo!

¡Voltéala, estúpido!

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. Only twenty years of normal sex life? but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. But I dont need twenty years, he protested, Ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly. Can I have the other ten? The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten.

Again the man spoke up, Can I have the other ten? The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years – but like the others, ten was sufficient – and again man pleaded, Can I have the other ten?

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Good girls say thanks for a wonderful dinner…

Bad girls say, whats for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girls man…

Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties

Bad girls dont wear any.

Good girls wax their floors…

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner…

Bad girls make reservations

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies…

Bad girls know they could do better

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss…

Bad girls never do either, unless hes very, very rich.

Good girls believe youre not fully dressed without a strand of pearls…

Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls…

Good girls love Italian food…

Bad girls love Italian waiters.

After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible…Dog They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.Goldfish Just because I have a three-second memory, they dont think Ill mind eating the same fish flakes over and over…………… Oh boy! Fish flakes!Dog Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!Goldfish The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!Parrot Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!Cat Why are these people in my house?Dog I dont care if you take the jewelry or money, but dont mess with the fridge.Goldfish Oh, tap-tap-tap! Theres a new one!Cat I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs.Dog The pretending to throw a stick game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it.Cat Why did they put this service bell on my neck if theyre not going to answer to it.Dog Why is the baby eating my food…Hamster Kill me, this wheel is boring.Gerbil OH NO, not again!Dog I bet if he could do that, he wouldnt be telling me to stop.Cat Oh no, hes picking me up to do another land on all fours off the balcony test again.

Woo-hoo…check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. .. .

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

Always guard your rear while youre in the hospital – Youre in enema country.

A cute lil Nurse is walking along a hospital corridor with one of her breasts exposed. The Charge Nurse spots her and berates her for her conduct.

The Nurse shakes her head sadly and sez, Those damn interns never put anything back when theyre through with it.

Have any of ya noticed how fast they move patients in hospitals these days. I was on the fourth floor in recovery; then, as soon as I finished paying for that floor, they moved me to the third.

A Doctors fiancee broke off their relationship. The next day, he billed her for 85 house calls.

About the only way to get any doctor to make a house call these days is to buy a home located on the golf course.

Talk about a crisis of faith. My doctor gave me a prescription for a problem I was having.

Then said, Oh, and be sure and call me in no more than three days and let me know how that works. Im having the same trouble myself.

A teenager goes to a doctor for a checkup.

When she removes her blouse, he checks her breathing and says, Big breaths.

She replies, Yeth, and Im only thickteen.

Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) or (postings)

Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. Shed hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

Excuse me, miss, said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesnt
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.

What difference does it make, Joan asked rather calmly. No one
can see me up here, and besides, Im covered with a towel.

Indeed, said the man, but we would prefer you didnt lie on
the dining room skylight.

-Roger

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

No thank you. she said politely. This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but Im keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.

That must be rather difficult. the man replied.

Oh, I dont mind too much. she said.

But, it has my husband pretty upset.