Old and New Jokes

C:> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Written by a very wise man… I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
Man, that guy is stupid, I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and heres why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, thats 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. Theres 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by a female, thats 18,000.In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. Thats 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. Thats 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females Have seriously considered suicide or homicide. Thats 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. Thats 33.According to the National Rifle Association 7% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Flip one off?……. I think not.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it

in six or twelve pieces.

A: Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Paraphrased from Dennis Millers performance at Vanderbilt Wednesday night:

Germanys creative talents tend to skip a generation:

They make a really nice sports car, destroy an entire race,
make a really nice sports car…

One of Microsoft Networks finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

Its leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!

Guns dont kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no jobs kill people.

Computer Terminology…



486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.



State-of-the-art: Any computer you cant afford.



Obsolete: Any computer you own.



Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.



G3: Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.



Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.



Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.



GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey)



Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.



Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.



Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.



Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.



Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.



Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.



System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

A woman goes to the doctors and says, Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.



A week later the woman returns and says, Doctor, Doctor, its gotten worse!



Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! Whats wrong with me?



Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.



Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, Doctor, Doctor, Im still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!



The doctor says, Relax, Relax,… youre just going through your change!

What does a nun wear on a date?

A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was Do you notice anything unusual about me? The guy said, Now that you mention it, you have no ears. The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, Do you notice anything unusual about me?

The guy also noticed, Yes, you have no ears. The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, Do you notice anything unusual about me?

The guy replied Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses.

Surprised, the man then asked, Wow! Thats quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?

The guy burst out laughing and said you cant wear glasses if you dont have any ears!