Old and New Jokes

One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch,You Bitch
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox In Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo – Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
The Cat in the Blender
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places Youll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinchs Ten Inches

Why do R. Kellys parties always end at 6 in the morning?

Because he has to get all the girls to school by 7:00.

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS Government Department of Fish and WildLife Sec. 1200

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, entrap, or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3) (Female only)

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)

6. Honest Attorney…………………(0) (On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)

7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)

8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)

On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of
pregnancy are often masked by obesity. The brother-in-law of a friend
told me the first part of this story; my cousin told me the second.
Both are now doctors, and both assured me that the stories are true.

In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman,
the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted
the aid of two orderlies who wrapped the womans legs in sheets and
pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a
chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:

Youre pregnant, he said. But how you got that way without two
sheets and a chair is beyond me.

After making a similar comment, my cousin was informed by the
patient, Youre not the first short-dick white boy to tell me that.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and said,

You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport chosen accordingly

Saint Peter looked at Dave.
You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Skoda.

Next Saint Peter looked at John.
You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this you will forever travel through heaven in a Lada station wagon.

Saint Peter finally looked at Sam.
You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.

A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sams Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.

Whats wrong Sam? they asked. You got the Ferrari. Youre set forever. Why so down?

Sam looked up ever so slowly, opened his mouth and cried,
I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.

A guy goes in a bar and gets really drunk and starts to walk home. Every 2 steps he falls.

So he is 2 steps away from his doorway and he falls in. Then he tries to walk up the stairs quietly and get in bed.



In the morning his wife gets up before him and says Were you drinking lastnight?



He asks, how did you know?



She says you left your wheelchair at the bar

What did Eve had to admit when she was told by a snake that she was naked? That she got 6 bucks to take it off for a dog. (Dog=god) She was just so ugly.

The Virgin Mary was so hard up that she had to go into a barn to have sex. (And with the Lord Dog).

B. Bob wakes up early on the opening day of dove season, he feels like shooting something. He wakes up his wife and says Honey, remember that you promised to go to the hunting lease with me today.?

She says that she is not going anywhere with him today and to leave me alone!





Well, B. Bob gets pretty pissed off about his wife?s attitude; so, he says,



?Look, if you don?t go to the lease with me, then you will have to do something else for me?.



?You can do one of three things:



1. You can go to the lease.



2. I will fuck you in the ass.



3. You will give me a blow job.?





B. Bob?s wife just rolls over in bed and turns her back to him. This really adds to his disappointment and frustration. But, B. Bob just goes to the bathroom to shower and get dressed. Returning, a short time later, in his coveralls and hunting vest, he repeats his ultimatum to her with no success. All three of his wished were declined; each appeal met with only the words no, no, no.





Now he is really pissed and storms out of the house, into the garage. His wife hears a lot of noises: gear banging around, and doors slamming. After a few minutes it is quiet, there is silence from the garage, until suddenly, the dog starts yelping and growling. More slamming of doors and banging against the walls. This lasts for a few minutes until B. Bob storms back to the bedroom.





He says to his wife, ?well, I am ready to leave now. Which is it going to be??



?Are you going to the hunting lease with me??



?No?



?Then am I going to fuck you in the ass?



?NO you are not.?



?Well then it must be lucky number three. You are going to suck my dick!?





With that statement, B. Bob unzips his coveralls and pulls out his dick. His wife slowly sits up, moves to the edge of the bed, and pulls his dick into her mouth. She begins to lick and suck for a few seconds, but suddenly stops, spits, gags, and says, ?YOUR DICK TASTES LIKE SHIT?.





B. Bob answers, ?Yeah, the fucking dog didn?t want to go either.?