Old and New Jokes

A very proper man is staying at the hospital as he has been taken quite ill. In the middle of the night he wakes up to find he has soiled his bed. Too embarassed to call the nurse to clean his sheets, he gather them up and tosses them out the window.
The sheets fall onto a drunkard who is wandering around on the sidewalk. He begins thrashing about, swinging and cursing loudly. A security guard hears the noise and runs over to the pale, and panting drunkard.
The guard says What happened? You look as though youve seen a ghost!
The drunkard replies I did! And I think I beat the sh*t out of it too!

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways
one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue
with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked
that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway,
the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.

The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating
concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret
was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in
the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even
what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.

Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel
the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few
moments, he announced, You have got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear
feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny
rabbit!

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favour to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he
asserted, Well, you are scaly, you are slimy, you have got beady little eyes,
you squirm and slither all the time, and you have got a forked tongue. I think
you are a lawyer!

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.

Yo, Bob, I didnt know you were into earrings.

Oh, yeah, sure, says Bob sheepishly.

Really? How long have you been wearing one?

Ever since my wife found it in our bed!

* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast-food bags out of the back seat of your car.

* Your reason for not staying in better touch with your family is that they dont have E-mail addresses.



* Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPNs homepage to your bookmarks.



* You have a to do list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks –and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.



* You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.



* Standard pick-up lines now include references to liquid assets and capital gains.



* You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.



* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.



* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored sticky notes.



* Your grocery list has been on the front of your fridge so long some of the products dont even exist any longer.



* You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on how to improve their production and marketing processes.



* You get all excited when its Saturday — and that just means you can wear your sweats to work.



* You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.



* You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what it is you do for a living.



* You typically eat out of vending machines, and at the most expensive restaurant in the city, within the same week.



* You think that progressing an action plan and calendarizing a project are standard and acceptable English phrases.



* You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.



* You ask your friends to, think out of the box when making Friday night plans.



* You think Einstein would have been more effective if he put his ideas into matrix.



* You think a half day means leaving at 5 oclock.



* You hear most of your jokes via E-mail instead of in person.

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk. They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage. To solve that problem they decided to come up with a code word to help break the ice when asking for sex. While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, I have an idea, why not use washing machine as the code word? So washing machine it was… A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, Honey, Washing machine?, and she replies, Honey, not tonight, Ive got a huge headache, I promise well do it tomorrow night! So he says, Alright thats fine, Well do it tomorrow. They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However, the wife cant sleep because shes thinking, gosh weve only been married 1 year so were still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, Honey, are you still awake??, and he replies, Yeah, what do you want?. She says, Washing Machine?!?!?!? and he replies, Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What its too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasnt sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, Compared to what?

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, Im bigger than that.

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, Im bigger than that.

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, Im about that big.

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, Youre a medium.

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.

Im so ashamed, Doctor, she said, I guess I let myself go.

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.

Dont feel ashamed, Miss. You dont look that bad.

Do you really think so, Doctor?

she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.

If nobody uses it, theres a reason.