If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!

The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.

The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.

So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass,

Ill Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!

Proof that truce is stronger than friction.

Percival Beauregard and Billy-Bob Brown were equally wealthy and were next-door neighbors. Percival was suave, sophisticated, aristocratic and Billy-Bob was common as dirt.

However, he was well aware of his shortcomings, kept a close eye on Percival and was determined not to be outdone in any way.

When he found out the name of Percivals tailor, he had his suits made there too. He soon became a member of Percivals exclusive country-club, installed an identical electronically controlled pool, bought the same type of Rolls-Royce Percival drove and had the same kind of car-phone installed.

After watching for several months, he was satisfied there wasnt anything Percival had that he didnt have too.

Cruising along in his Rolls, he spotted Percival driving in the lane ahead of him. Anxious to let Percival know he wasnt being outdone, Billy-Bob dialed his number and began chatting with him.

Suddenly, Percival interrupted him and said, Billy-Bob, would you mind holding on for a minute … my other phone is ringing.

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldnt get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little.

She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldnt reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way.

Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldnt reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I dont even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, maam, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as youre walking by the annoying someone.

Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.

It will eventually drive them slightly insane!

The punchline is: And then the president said, But thats not *my* duck!

What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!

A chap had a very painful elbow. He went to see his own
doctor, who told him to rest it: no treatment was required, it
was just tennis elbow.

Rather dissatisfied, he decided to go to a new computer-based
medical service that had just opened up. He went inside the
building and found the terminal, but there were no people in
sight. The instructions told him to slide his credit card
through the slot, and that $150 would be debited. When he had
done this, he was asked screen after screen of questions about
himself, until eventually a specimen bottle appeared. The
instructions on the screen said, Produce urine specimen and
pour into slot on left, so he did. A few seconds later, the
screen read:

Diagnosis: Tennis elbow

Treatment: Rest

Well, he wasnt happy. $150 wasted just to be told the same
thing again. He thinks, Im going to confuse the hell out of
that smug machine. He went home, took a bottle and put a
scooped-up turd from his dog, some of his daughters urine, some
crankcase oil from his car and
some of his own semen into the bottle and mixed it thoroughly.
Then he went back to the computer.

He waved his card through the slot, answered the questions
again and poured his mixture through the slot when asked.
There was a very long pause.

About half an hour later, the screen read:

Diagnosis:

1. Your dog has rabies
2. Your daughter is pregnant
3. Your car is going to throw a rod
4. If you dont stop wanking, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements

Element Name: WOMANIUM

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (dont even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct Electricity as easily as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.