Old and New Jokes

Heres an original (to my best knowledge) by Donald Simmons that was
posted to a kind of strange thread on ncsu.general…

[Note – posted with Andy Simmons permission. My thanks to him – ed.]

From: dasimmon@unity.ncsu.edu (Donald Andrew Simmons)
Subject: Re: Yoda Grammar

In article <4l01ke$ivr@taco.cc.ncsu.edu>,
Ravi K. Swamy <rkswamy@unity.ncsu.edu> wrote:
>
>>Ever wonder if there are others of Yodas race, and if they speak the
>>same way?
>
>Oh, the horror.

Imagine the yoda-men in the office, around the water cooler.

Yoda 1: Hello, Bill.
Yoda 2: Morning, Hank.
Yoda 1: Finish that proposal, you did?
Yoda 2: Yes, finally. Quite a chore, it was.
Yoda 1: That Henderson, he is a slave driver, eh?
Yoda 2: Yes. To kick his ass Id like. There is no try, only do.
Asshole he is.

A young man fell in a pit one day and found a magic lamp with a genie inside.The genie told him he would grant him three wishes. The mans first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF**The man could not think of anything for his third wish so he bought a Ferrari with some of his gold. As he was driving in his new car, he turned on the radio began to sing along with his favorite advertising jingle: Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener… **POOF**

I noticed Warren Christopher had to seek treatment for a bleeding ulcer while in Ottawa, Ontario, CANADA.

In a related development, Sen. Phil Gramm pledged that if hes president, his secretary of state will continue bleeding until he gets back to the US, rather than be coopted by the forces of SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin said, "Hey Britney, look at that dead birdie!"Britney looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

Read the story before you look at the picture!

Motumbo was a Black African from Senegal who had recently moved to London. Mary
was the daughter of a typical high falutin English family. Milky white skin,
blonde hair, blue eyes, as proper as they come. Motumbo and Mary met at Covent
Gardens where Motumbo sold flowers and souvenirs.

After a month or so of dating, Mary decided to bring Motumbo home to meet her
parents. Daddy was the Lord of Stuckup, and was mortified when he saw Motumbo.
But he thought fast and told the African that if he wanted to continue to see
his daughter, he would have to get an education first. Not just any education
mind you… a Harvard education.

Motumbo replied, Motumbo love Mary… Motumbo go get edumacation!

Off Motumbo went to Harvard. He studied like a nutjob and came back after only 6
months with an MBA in finance!

Needless to say, the Lord of tuckupness was pretty pissed off. So he told
Motumbo that in order to continue to see his daughter, Motumbo would now need to
earn some money. Not just any money mind you… a Million Bucks.

To which Motumbo replied, Motumbo love Mary… Motumbo go get million bocks!

Off Motumbo went to Wall Street where he applied his Harvard education on the
NYSE and made a fortune! He was making a million a week.

So he went back to see Lord Snotty Face who was really fuckin pissed off now.
He told Motumbo the last condition he would have to meet in order to marry his
milky white daughter was to have a 12 penis. Motumbo was mortified. After all
he had done to convince her father.

He sat there and thought about it for a good ten minutes before he responded:

(Scroll down to see the image.)

Heres one from the Emergency nurses association:

Be an organ donor … Unbuckle!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "Whats the problem, Eve?" God asks her. "Lord," she says, "I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above."Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples," she says."Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her. "Whats a man, Lord?" she inquires. "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressivetendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.""Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.""Whats that, Lord?" she asks. "Youll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Q: Whats invisible and smells like carrots???
A: Bunny farts!

Ten civil servants standing in a line,

One of them was downsized – then there were nine.

Nine civil servants who must negotiate,

One joined the union – then there were eight.

Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,

Til one of them was redeployed – then there were seven.

Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,

But one was reclassified – then there were six.

Six civil servants trying to survive,

One of them was privatized – then there were five.

Five civil servants ready to give more,

But one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four civil servants full of loyalty,

Their jobs were all advertised – then there were three.

Three civil servants under review,

One left on secondment – then there were two.

Two civil servants coping on the run,

One went on stress leave – then there was one.

The last civil servant agreed to relocate,

Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.

You have reached the private secure CIA hotline.

This call has been traced, and you may expect 30 angry agents to kick down your door at any moment.

[BEEP]