Old and New Jokes

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One mans pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

Santa Singh has to leave the city on business and he entrusts with his best friend, Banta Singh, the job of keeping an eye on his wife.

If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news Santa Singh received a telegram: The man who comes to visit your wife every night didnt show up yesterday…

The UNIX Philosophy

Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
other numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes a mistake, a GIANT ? lights up in the center of the
dashboard. The experienced driver, says he, will usually know
whats wrong.

Original source unknown; found on Joseph Evans (Electrical and
Computer Engineering professor at Kansas University) door.

Dear Bill:

As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament.

Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to

admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

———————

Dear Bill:

OK, so Ill never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

———————-

My Dear Chap:

This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that

charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit

that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

———————-

Bill:

They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!

Mayor Marion Berry

———————-

Dear Bill:

Look at the bright side. At least you werent caught wearing Monicas

thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? Im back on

TV for the fall.

Marv Albert

———————-

Dear Mr. President:

You may have noticed that Im not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon

(note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, youre not the

only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isnt really sex.

Warm personal regards,

Newt

—————————-

Dear Bill:

Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards

and invites her to come on her show anytime.

Frank Gifford

—————————

Dear Mr. President:

Now Im on the Supreme Court. Im here for life! And theres nothing

anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

————————–

Dear Former Worthy Opponent:

Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself

into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

————————-

Dear Mr. President:

I think its terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, youre welcome to

bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you

want. Ill move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can

have their room.

Michael Jackson

————————–

Dear Fellow Sinner:

Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

————————-

Dear Bill:

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Baker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

————————-

Dear Bill:

Next time (if there is a next time), dont let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!

With sympathy,

Rob Lowe

————————-

Dear Bill:

If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit.

Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually

manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday Ill be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I dont have a sense of humor)

HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

————————

Dear Mr. President:

We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.

The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

Una vez a un tigre lo castigraron y no le dieron de comer, mientras que el burro se banqueteaba, entonces el tigre le dijo al burro: Dame un poco de tu comida.

Y el burro le dijo no, entonces el tigre le dijo: Esta tarde trae a tu pandilla y yo a la mia.

Llegó la tarde y estuvieron las dos manadas para pelear. El Jefe de los tigres dijo:

Tigres, saquen las garras y ataquen.

El jefe de los burros dijo:

Burros, saquen la pinga y ataquen.

Entonces el jefe de los tigre dijo:

¡Tigres, cierren el culo y escapen!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. The Road Warrior, Repo Man, Casablanca,) almost inaudibly.

More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
Drinks coffee, not that sissy Earl Grey stuff.
Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
Hasnt let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship — yet.
Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to
admit theyre lost and pull over for directions.
Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
Hasnt quoted Shakespeare — yet.
Looks better in sleepwear.
Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
Isnt French with an English accent.
Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
Janeway says I dont like you! to her enemies instead of trying
to convince them to behave better.
To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly
way. Picard sings a song… in French… about a monk… who
cant wake up for morning bells.
The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
She doesnt have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead
of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
15 episodes without surrendering the ship.
15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
Janeways holo programs create useful things like doctors and
lungs. Picards holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet
again take over the ship.
She doesnt need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in
Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a
shirt; Janeway would look… no, they cant do that on network television.
Doesnt force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to
blend in with a primitive planet.
She doesnt waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms
in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over his eyes.
Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
Doesnt have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
Her telepath only lives nine years.
Janeway heard the words boldly go where no man (er, woman)
has gone before and took them to the extreme.
Picard tells alien cultures, I hope our two cultures will one
day come to a greater understanding. Janeway threatens them with
the deadliest of force.
Janeways Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that
only Worf could stomach.
Janeway doesnt have to point which way to go when they set off.
Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, Boy,
Paris, are YOU ever stupid.
Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
Has a more manly voice.
Doesnt have a starship that splits in half when its in a tight spot.
Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
Kes. Troi. No contest.
Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this ones debatable.
At least she doesnt have to yell Hot! at her cook every time
she wants something to drink.
Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
Her CONN officer can use contractions.
Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.
None of the crew members relatives have ever tried to take over
the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
To help her relax, Janeways first officer helps her contact her
spirit guide. Picards first officer helps him get… to Risa.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the
way home she notices a tear in his eye and asks whether he is getting
sentimental because they are celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your
father threatened me with a shotgun and said he would have me thrown in jail for
50 years if I did not marry you. Tomorrow I would have been a free man!

Sven and Osmond are good friends.

Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar.

This is a tradition that goes on for some time.

One day, Osmond says to Sven, Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day.

Sven considers this and agrees.

Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work.

This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason.

One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, But, Sven, arent you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?

Sven says, Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I dont think that Osmond should be punished for that.