Dear [____rejectees name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Ms. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s)
you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply] ___ Your stomach is bigger than mine.
___ Your name is objectionable subjecting my future children to it could scar and yes, scare them for life.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you buy shoes by the truckload indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your Putting on a few, arent you big boy? comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the faithful check.
___ I find your inability to cook & clean my house extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that you live with your Mother reveals an inherent psychological syndrome that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase My Mother has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You mention your ex-boyfriends name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: looks do matter.
Sincerely, [Your name here]
Gerard Hommel was a French mountaineer. A good one. He had gone up and down Everest six times before he met his fate. And its his death for which well remember him best. He died after falling off a stepladder while changing a kitchen light bulb.
Marta Espina had got through 75 years of blameless life in Buenos Aires, never putting herself in the way of trouble, when a poodle fell from a 13th floor balcony and landed on her head. When the crowd which gathered to gawp grew too large, a spectator who stepped into the road to get a better view was killed by a passing bus.
Lupe Velez was a second-string film star and former wife of Johnny Weissmuller who went for the glam suicide option. Candles, purple sheets, the lot. However, the overdose she took disagreed violently with her stomache and she rushed to the toilet/bathroom to disgorge. There she tripped, knocked herself out, and was found the next day face-down in the porcelain bowl
This theme reminds me of the recent deaths in Egypt(?) where several people drowned when trying to rescue a chicken from a (deep) well. One person tried to get the chicken, got info difficulties, another attempted to assist… etc. The chicken survived and was eventually brought out unhurt.
Its wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?
War doesnt determine whos right, just whos left
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isnt that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.
Blonde: Sir, did you call for me?
New Man: No, I just got here.
Blonde: You must be new here, its a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me. The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.
Huge Man: Sir, did you call for me?
New Man: No, I just got here.
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me. The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist…
New Man: Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.
Receptionist: But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
Grays Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n tasks.
Q: What do you get when a blonde and a gang member have a kid?
A: A juvenile delinquent that sprays grafitti on chain-link fences.
Did you hear about the blonde got locked into a grocery store for a month and starved to death?
A drunk walks into a bar and sits down. In front of each stool he sees three darts. He calls the bartender over and says, Hey! What are these darts here for?
The bartender says, Well, you take the darts and throw them at the dartboard behind the bar here, and anybody that gets three bulls-eyes in a row wins a prize.
Oh, says the drunk, stifling a burp, all right. He picks up a dart and, weaving from side to side, hurls it, clutching the bar at the last moment just in time to prevent himself from falling off the stool. Amazingly the dart lands firmly in the center of the bulls-eye.
He picks up the second dart, and with one hand on the bar steadying himself as best he can, he throws it. With his follow-through he collapses onto the bar, his head hitting the wood with a resounding thump. Incredibly, though, the dart lodges itself right next to the other one. Another perfect bulls-eye.
The drunk then pushes himself up off the bar, picks up the third dart, and takes careful aim with two eyes that are looking in different directions. As he throws the last dart he falls backward off the stool and lands in a heap on the floor. But miraculously the dart lands once again in the bulls-eye.
As he stands up and wobbles over to the bar the drunk says loudly, I want a prize! I want a prize!
The bartender, astounded, says to him, Okay, buddy. Okay. Youll get your prize. Just hang on a minute. As he turns around the bartender thinks to himself, What am I going to do? Nobody has ever won before. What am I going to give this guy?
Looking around the bar, he sees an old aquarium in the corner. He goes over, rolls up his sleeve, reaches into the water, and pulls out a nice, medium-size turtle. He goes back behind the bar and walks up to the drunk. Okay, pal, he says, heres your prize!
The drunks bloodshot eyes light up for an instant and he says, Thanks a lot! He then takes the turtle and staggers out of the bar.
A couple of weeks pass and then one day the same drunk stumbles back into the bar. He sits down at the same stool and calls out to the bartender, I wanna try for a prize! I wanna try for a prize!
The bartender walks over and says, All right, buddy, go ahead.
The drunk then manages to repeat his previous performance with the one difference being that this time he manages to fall off the bar stool after every shot. However, he does make the three bulls-eyes.
I want a prize! he shouts. I want a prize! The bartender is totally flabbergasted. He says to the drunk, I cant believe it! Nobody has ever done this before, and youve done it twice in a row!
The drunk says, Well, give me my — gulp! — p-p-prize.
The bartender says, To tell you the truth, buddy, I just dont know what to give you. What did I give you last time?
The drunk belches, smiles dreamily, and says, Roast beef on a hard roll.