Old and New Jokes

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says You cant bring that dog in here! The guy, without missing a beat, says This is my seeing-eye dog. Oh man, the bartender says, Im sorry, here, the first ones on me. The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says You cant bring that dog in here unless you tell him its a seeing-eye dog. The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says Hey, you cant bring that dog in here!

The second man replies This is my seeing-eye dog. The bartender says, No, I dont think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs. The man pauses for a half-second and replies What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?

An unexpected narc at the door.

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his genitalia and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up and set off all the other bells.

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the ministers room and yelled, father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me … and he took a step forward!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Wheres this man now?

The Choirboy replies…

flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Denise!
Denise who?
Denise are above your ankles!

Q: How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if thats really THE Terry Or colette or both, and then to realise that the speed of light cant be measured, except in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the hedgehog song…

Una viejita está sentada en un parque llorando desconsoladamente cuando alguien se le acerca y le pregunta:

¿Qué le pasa?

Esh que mi eshposho tiene 22 años y por la mañana me hashe el amor como un toro y luego me hashe el deshayuno y me lo lleva a la cama.

¿Y qué hay de malo en eso?

Esh que al mediodía me prepara una rica sopa y luego me vuelve hasher el amor.

¿Y?

Que en la noche me prepara una shena gourmet a la lush de la vela y me hashe el amor ashta las 2:00 de la madrugada.

Pero eso es fantástico, no veo donde está el problema.

¡Esh que no me acuerdo donde vivooooo!

Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing.A: She had no arms.