Old and New Jokes

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep
it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba
Dabba Doo!

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Una pareja de mediana edad tenía mucho tiempo sin cohabitar y la señora ya estaba urgida, por lo que se le ocurrió un plan para ponerle remedio a la situación: esperaría al marido cuando éste regresara de trabajar, totalmente desnuda. Estaba segura que eso lo animaría. Cuando el marido llegó y la vio bajar las escaleras desnuda, desconcertado pregunta:

Mujer, ¿qué haces encuerada?

Estoy con mi disfraz de Eva para ti.

¡Pues por lo menos le hubieras dado una planchadita!

If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?
A bloody big cricket.

Where theres a will…I want to be on it.

Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Dont drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember youre unique…Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eschew obfuscation.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the Californias third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally…. Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 chad sells at Sothebys for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs…

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye

3. How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away?

4. I Cant Get Over You, So Why Dont You Get Under Me?

5. I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2

7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine

8. I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You

9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aims Gettin Better

11. I Wouldnt Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause Im Afraid Shed Win

12. Ill Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonite

13. Im So Miserable Without You, Its Like Having You Here

14. Ive Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you

15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Id Be Out By Now

16. Mama Get A Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papas Head)

17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Dont Love Jesus

18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

19. Please Bypass this Heart

20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

21. Youre The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, Judith?

Yes, this is Judith. Will you marry me? Of course. Whos speaking?

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the womans love tunnel.

Oh God! she screams. Help me! Theres a bee up my vagina and its buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

Lets go says her mate, Ill rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

What seems to be the problem? he asks.

Ive got a frigging bee up my vagina screams the woman. Get it out!

I see, says the doctor.Well, theres only one way to extract this bee. Im going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

Just an inch or two should do it, he says.

After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says Hmmm, it doesnt seem to be biting. Ill have to go deeper and slides it in all the way.

Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

HOLD IT! says the boyfriend, What are you doing?

Change of plans!, shouts the doctor…

Ive decided to drown the little bastard!