Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Woody!
Woody who?
Woody answer the door please!

Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of prostitutes stide up to them.

Like any buisness tonight?

They ask, making sure their ample clevages are showing.

Ay! Allright Of course obviously they are scottish…

Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel accross road The first dwarf, Malcolm says.

They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms which are situated next to each other. Dwarf number 2 Jimmy as he likes to be called sits on the bed with his partner for the night.

Ahhh….has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself Jimmy tells his new found friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying to get lil Jimmy to cooperate…. To make the situation worse he can hear Malcolm in the next room….

ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!! Obviously he is having far greater success… In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God of sex… Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.

Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.

Ahhhh…hello Malcolm, what an appauling night…Lil Jimmy wasnt playing along says the dwarf…

Hah!! says Malcolm.

Its fine for you. I couldnt even get on the bed!!

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isnt working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Mens Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: Dear Mr. Burford… All is forgiven. Just tell us…where is it?

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
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A: Tell her a joke on Monday.

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.

We just tell them theyre going to die.

An old Jewish woman is standing by the riverbank..

She shouts out: Help, help…

A passer-by says: Whats the problem?

She explains: My son…..the lawyer…is drowning…

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Some time ago the British magazine New Statesman had a humour
competition in which readers were asked to come up with a letter
complaining to the publisher of a sex manual, relating to serious
injury sustained, damage inflicted, or frustration experienced, after
following the instructions contained therein.

Peter Norman won 15 pounds for this:

Dear Sir,

One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never
been so shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single
publication. I refer, of course, to your 100 Easy Steps to Martial
(sic) Satisfaction. Some of the advice therein is rendered
misleading, dangerous or even illegal by such errors.

For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to carefully place a
condor on your penis… Later, on the same page, we are told to
stroke the beast, stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip, a
course of action that I fancy even trained falconers would eschew.
Elsewhere, my partner actually followed to the letter (pardon my
little joke) the instructions to fondle your mans bills (p39) and
give him a long, slow message (p128), both of which proved
positively anaphrodisiac. And no one, surely, outside ancient Carthage
has punic hair (p56) or uses a dido (p337). In chapter 1, the
recommended fissionary position (p6) sounds a little explosive for
beginners…

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?

The driver replied, Was I officer, Im terribly sorry but I wasnt aware of that.

The policeman said, May I see your drivers license please?

The man replied, I dont have one officer.

Of course you do, said the policeman.

No sir, I dont, said the man.

So why do you have this car? asked the policeman.

This is not my car, I stole it, said the man.

You are driving a stolen car? said the policeman.

Yes Im afraid so sir,

Looking puzzled the policeman said, Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to.

The man said, There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun.

Your gun! exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

So you dont have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!

Yes sir, said the man, Oh and a body in the trunk.

Jesus! said the policeman turning white, Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?

Yes, said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

Look, said the policeman, You wait right here and dont touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe.

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, I want to speak to the chief, said the policeman, And quick!

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, What is it, he said.

Ive got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk, said the policeman.

I’ll be right there, said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?

Of course, said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, Is this your car?

Yes, said the man.

Can I see your registration please sir? asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

Please dont open it sir! said the chief.

Why? asked the man, I thought you wanted my registration.

I do, said the chief, But there is a gun in there.

Dont be silly, said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

Let me get this right, said the chief, You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment.

Yes, said the man,

And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose, said the chief.

BODY! exclaimed the man, Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?

Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk.

The lying fool, said the man, I bet he said I was speeding as well!

A guy from Nebraska, a guy from Michigan, and a guy from Ohio are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a bottle and a Genie pops out of it.
I will give you each one wish, thats three wishes total, says the Genie.
The guy from Nebraska says, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska.
With a blink of the Genies eye, POOF the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for farming.
The Michigan guy was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Michigan, so that no one can come into our precious state. Again, with a blink of the Genies eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Michigan.
The Buckeye asks, Im curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, Well, its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.
The Buckeye says, Fill it up with water.