Old and New Jokes

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A. Shoot him before he hits the water.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone is evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence.



Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, Hey! Dont you know who I am?



The man replied, Yep, sure do.



Satan asked, Arent you afraid of me?



Nope, sure aint, said the man.



Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, Why arent you afraid of me?



The man calmly replied, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years.

A liberal came upon a genie and said, Youre a genie. Can you grant me three wishes? The genie replied, Yes, but only if youre feeling generous enough to share your good fortune. The liberal said, Im a liberal. Im always happy to share. The genie said, O.K., then, whatever you wish for, Ill give every conservative in the country two of it. Whats your first wish? I would like a new sports car. O.K., youve got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. Whats your second wish? Id like a million dollars. O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. Whats your third and final wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney…

Bombecks Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died!

This goes a long way towards explaining a lot of things: A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing
of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system –

Will the gentleman on the ladys tee please move back to the mens tee.

He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again – Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,

Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladys tee can hit his second shot!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

Well, he said, Ive been seeing this girl for a while and shes really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonights the night. Were having dinner with her parents, and then were going out and Ive got a feeling Im gonna get lucky after that.

Once shes had me, shell want me all the time, so youd better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, You never told me that you were such a religious person.

He leans over to her and says…

You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

In my 2nd year at University, I became fairly serious about Gabriella, a fellow student. Well, serious enough to take her home and meet my parents. My mother hated her on sight. However, in a typical bourgeois fashion, she never made comments about Gabriella that were less than totally positive. Quoting from memory, these are some of the things she said, and (in brackets), what I thought she really meant:

Shes vivacious
(Shes as high as a kite and a total bore)
She has a sparkling conversation
(She talks non-stop about herself, in a shrill voice)
She has an endearing accent
(Her peasant upbringing shows clearly)
Shes a careful driver
(But a reckless flier, on her broomstick)
I gather shes very popular
(I gather she sleeps around a lot)
She has a trim body
(Shes a carpenters dream: flat as a board and easy to screw)
She has nice legs
(Pity about the hair)
I gather shes interested in art
(I gather she has a phenomenal collection of centerfolds from HUNKS magazine)
Shes too young to marry
(I gave you life and I will take it away, if you even think marrying her)

I did not marry Gabriella. She married a Veterinary Doctor, had a number of adorable cats and two appalling children.

One christmas mourning Hillary Clinton looked out her window to find someone wrote Hillary sucks in pee on the snow.

So she called the police and they told her they would do tests.



The following week the police chief came back and said that he had bad news and worse news. The bad news is it is Bills urine and the worse news is it is Monicas hand writing.

Why is cum white and urine yellow?

So you can tell if youre coming or going!