Old and New Jokes

A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind.

Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground.

He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning I need you.

The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely….he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off.

Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, What the hell are you doing?

I got your message, replied the foreman. I just wanted to let you know that I was coming.

Este cubano va al médico con la barriga muy inflamada, tan hinchada que hasta le brillaba. El pobre hombre le dice al galeno:

Oye, chico, ¡mira cómo estoy de no poder cagar! Cada vez que creo que ahora sí y me siento, se me tranca y nada, que no puedo. Ya he tomado todo, hasta aceite de ricino, y si afloja, pero vuelve de nuevo a cerrarse.

El facultativo le ordena desvestirse para hacerle un examen. Cuando le ve el pene, gordo y grande como nunca había visto, le dice al paciente:

Mira, creo saber lo que tienes: ¿cuándo te sientas en la taza, tú pones el miembro adentro o afuera?

¡Pues claro que adentro! ¿Dónde si no?

Pues eso es lo que pasa: tienes el culo asustao, chico.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.

Heck, Gloria, the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!

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Easy UNIX

Everything Men Know about Women

George Foremans Big Book of Baby Names

Mike Tysons Guide to Dating Etiquette

The Amish Phone Book

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Home Built Airplanes by John Denver

How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

My Lifes Memories by Ronald Reagan

Things I Cant Afford by Bill Gates

Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman

The Wild Years by Al Gore

Amelia Earharts Guide To The Pacific

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All The Men Ive Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres

Un hombre se va del pueblo a trabajar a Alemania. Cuando lleva cuatro años trabajando y se hace rico, se compra un Mercedes Benz y piensa: ahora sí que puedo volver al pueblo.

Va el hombre con su Mercedes subiendo la cuesta del pueblo y se le pincha una rueda.

Sale el hombre a cambiar la rueda, y pasa por su lado un vecino del pueblo que le dice: hombre Paco, cuánto tiempo sin verte ¿qué estáis haciendo?

Pues mira, aquí quitándole la rueda al Mercedes.

Y le dice el otro: pues yo le voy a quitar el radiocassette, de todas maneras no se va a enterar nadie.

(Heres one I wish Id written:)

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
Show the lady your finest mink! the fellow exclaims. So the
owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the
furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,
Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

No problem! Ill write you a check!

Very good, sir. says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You
may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!!

I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the
most wonderful weekend of my life!

Hal Brunette

Se encuentra en su oficina trabajando diligentemente la Srita. Manríquez, cuando se le acerca sospechosamente su compañero de trabajo Juan R. y le susurra, ¡Mmmmm.. qué rico huele su cabello esta mañana!

De inmediato ella vuela hacia la oficina de su Jefe, y muy molesta le dice, Oiga, Lic. Fuentes, me vengo a quejar de Juan R, hace unos momentos se acercó a mi y me dijo que qué rico oliía mi cabello ¡y eso es acoso sexual!

El Lic. Fuentes voltea y le dice, Oiga señorita, ¿pero eso no es un cumplido halagador?

Y la Srita Manriquez contesta:

Normalmente lo tomaria así, ¡pero el tal Juan R es un ENANO!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.



I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!



His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, You as horny as I am? . . . and, she always acts like shes sound asleep!

A: She was throwing all the Ws away.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, Well, youve been such a good guy, and your invention … the assembly line for the automobiles … changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.

Ford thinks about it, and says, I want to hang out with God Himself.

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, When you invented woman, what were you thinking?

God asks, What do you mean?

Well, says Ford, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

Theres too much front end protrusion.
It chatters way too much at high speeds.
Maintenance is extremely high.
It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
The rear end wobbles too much.
The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
The headlights are usually too small.
Fuel consumption is outrageous.

Just to name a few.

Hmmmm…, replies God, hold on a minute. God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford and says, It may be that my invention is flawed, but, according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.