Old and New Jokes

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, I guess when I die youll come and dance on my grave.



The cadet replied, Not me, Sarge…no sir!

I promised myself that when I got out of the Army Id never stand in another line!

Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally.

Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs.

The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: … Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!

by Felix Kern

Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing various subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen … Now Dasher, now Dancer … et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albions floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?

Morris replied, God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* … the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!

Wow, commented Dr. Cohen, Thats incredible!

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morriss wife. Becky, he said, Morris is just fine. Physically hes great. But I had to call because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?

Becky replied, The darn fool! … Hes peeing in the fridge again!

Funny Bumper Stickers:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but youre still an idiot.

* Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.

* Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

* Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Keep honking…Im reloading

A woman approached Brigham Young one day and started asking him a few questions.

You are Brigham Young? she asked.

I am. he replied.

The leader of the Mormon Church?

I am.

The man who claims all other Christian traditions save Mormonism are false?

I am.

The woman starts to get noticeably disturbed.

The man who believes in pologamy as appropriate conduct?

I am.

Her anger increases, and she continues.

The man who has twenty-six wives?

I am.

This sends her into a full rage.

You, sir, should be hung!

I am.

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in
his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassadors wife was talking
with Madame deGaulle.

Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?

A penis, replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer…and
no one knew what to say next.

Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, appiness.

Estaba una señora con bigotes sentada a fuera de su casa, cuando de pronto pasa Pepito y se le queda viendo fijamente y sin avanzar.

Entonces la señora se molesta y le dice: ¿Qué nunca habías visto una mujer con bigotes?

Y Pepito le contesta:

¡Gratis, no!

Manolo y Venancio van de cacería, pero como no tenían perros, deciden ir a la casa de un amigo a conseguirlos. El camarada les presta tres de sus mejores perros.

Dos horas más tarde, los tontilandeses regresan con el amigo:

“¿No tienes otros tres perros más que nos prestes?”

“¿Otros tres?”, pregunta asombrado el amigo.

“¡Sí, es que los otros tres perros que nos prestaste ya los cazamos!”

Una vez Tarzan tuvo sexo con Jane y esta se embaraza. Pasan los nueve meses de gestación y al momento de parir tiene un niño negro.

Los dos angustiados se preguntan por que tienen un hijo negro si ellos dos son blancos, a lo que Jane dice: Vamos con los animales de la selva a ver si nos pueden ayudar, Tarzán.

Van primero con la jirafa y Tarzán le dice: Tarzán Blanco, Jane blanca, niño negro.

Y la jirafa le contesta: No se que pasó, vayan con el elefante a ver si los ayuda.

Van con el elefante y Tarzán le dice: Tarzán blanco, Jane blanca, niño negro.

A lo que el elefante contesta: No se que pasó, vayan con el mono a ver si el les puede ayudar.

Van con el mono y Tarzán le dice: Tarzán blanco, Jane blanca, niño negro.

Y el mono le dice: Si serán pendejos, Tarzán caliente, Jane caliente, niño quemado…