Old and New Jokes

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was Geein and Hawin, with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
Therell be plenty of travelin for you all tonight.
The driver in Levis and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, are you really Santa Claus?

Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all]

Author unknown

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.The Russian begins thinking, Well I really like drinking vodka. I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so please turn my urine into vodka.The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees into it. He looks at the glass and its clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the
liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, come quickly. She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pees into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and
takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is still excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard so they can have some fun. She gets the glass but asks him Boris, why do we only need one glass tonight?Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Drucilla!
Drucilla who?
Drucilla kid you!

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, Im sick of your polack jokes and Im going to knock the shit out of you. Im sorry, it was all in good fun, replied the comedian. The polack retorted, I was talking to little asshole on your knee.

It was young Anthonys first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment.

The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder.



Its tomorrow! exclaimed the small boy.

Math illiteracy affects eight out of every five people.

One of the nations largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, Clinton Soup, that will honor one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: I dont know, I never had one.

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time? Bill Clinton replied, No, some begin with After Im elected.

Clintons mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as Walking Eagle because he is so full of crap he cant fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of Americas finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor.

Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The man replied, The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?

No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly.

What Happened? inquired the pastor.

My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.

You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church, stated the pastor.

We know. said the young man, Were not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.

TEACHER: Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one

sentence.

JOHNNY: De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail.

A mans wife was in hospital after having a baby, and he asks his mate:
How long before we can, you know, err umm….?

His mate replies:
Well, that depends whether shes in a private ward or a public ward.

Shes in a public ward.

Well, in that case youll have to wait until she gets home!

Dave