Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, youll get em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Youd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people youd worked for, like "Heywood JBlowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry Im late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and youd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, youd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "Youre #1!" Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, youd get the day off to go drinking. Mothers Day, too. St. Patricks Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. Two words: Ally McNaked. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. Thats $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beattys address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you cant because there isnt one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as friends, but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase digital compression in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase digital compression. Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you dont have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying phone number and replace it with voice number, since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than 🙂
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perots phrase electronic town hall makes more sense than the term information superhighway, but you dont because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think its okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an intriguing fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say I dont know when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And dont use a laptop.
Q: Why should you never ask one Baptist over to watch football with you, but instead always invite two?
A: Invite one, hell drink all your beer.
Invite two and neither of them will drink a drop!
A man is talking to the family doctor. Doc, I think my wifes going deaf. The doctor answers, Well, heres something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesnt answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then youll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, Honey, whats for dinner? He doesnt hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
Honey, whats for dinner? Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until hes standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, For the eleventh time, I said were having MEATLOAF!
Here it is.
This joke is funnier when told…
There is this (choose your favorite ethnic) man. He goes to a toy shop, to buy, a gift for his daughter…
He looks at a toy car: How muj iz dis?
$100 answers the clerk.
He thinks its too much.
He looks at a ball: How muj iz dis?
$5 answers the clerk.
He thinks its too little.
Then, he finds the perfect thing, a doll. He again asks: How muj iz dis?
$30 answers the clerk.
He is happy, just the right amount of money he wants to spend.
So, He pays for the doll, and he starts to leave. Before he leaves, he remembers he wanted the doll to be gift wrapped.
So he asks the clerk: Can u rape it phor me?
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, Good morning, Maam. What are you doing?
Reading my book, she replies as she thinks to herself, Is this guy blind, or what?
Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.
But, Officer, Im not fishing. Cant you see that?
But you have all this equipment, Maam. Ill have to take you in and write you up.
If you do that I will charge you with rape, snaps the irate woman.
I didnt even touch you, grouses the sheriff.
Yes, thats true … but you have all the equipment …
This kid walks into the pharmacy: Ive a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it.
What do you want? Well, its a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know… What do you want? I need some protection, alright??!?! What size? Size? I dunno… Whatever is considered average I guess. Thatll be $
2.35 including tax. Tacks?! Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He cant see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns dont kill people. I do.”
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
An older woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening when she realized her husband was due home soon and she hadnt left dinner for him. Knowing how upset he got when he didnt have his dinner on time, she exclaimed Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! Hes going to really ticked if its not ready on time!She rushed home, but when she got there she realized that she didnt have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the refrigerator was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished
it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner that evening. Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in 40 years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day!Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. Youre going to kill him! they exclaimed. But the woman insisted her husband loved it, and said she had no plans to stop.Two months later, her husband died. The womans bridge partners showed up at the funeral and pulled her aside. You killed him! they whispered. We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your
husband?!The wife stoically replied, I didnt kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt.