Old and New Jokes

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish!

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.

The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for?

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on
accelerator: California*

* with gun also in lap: L.A.

Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians
cross against the light: San Francisco

One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the
dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right
foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon
Valley, listening to KEZR

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in
lap, foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from
their own or anothers car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful
eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and
pick up any bullets that didnt hit other motorists so as not to
litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with New York plates.

Yo mama so fat that when she walked into a zoo elephants throw peanuts at her.

Yo mama is so ugly she went to a beauty parlor and it took 3 hours.. for an estimate.

Yo mama is so bald, you can see whats on her mind

Yo mama is soooo ugly, when she was young, she was fed with a slingshot…

Yo mamma so fat when she sat around the house, she sat around the house…

Yo momma so fat when she sat on a rainbow, skittles fell out…

Yo mama is so poor you cant kill the roaches in yo house cause they pay half the rent.

Yo mamma so hairy that bigfoot took a picture of her…

Yo mamma so fat shes on both sides of the family!

Yo moma is so stupid she brought a spoon to the super bowl!

Ya mama is so poor she cant afford to pay attention…

Yo mamas so fat that she has to stop to weigh between state lines!

Yo mama is so fat, she has more chins than a chinese phone book…

Yo mamas so fat she has to use a boomerrang to get her belt on…

Yo mama is so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game

Yo mamas so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

You Mama is like a Doorknob, everybody gets a turn…

Yo mama so stupid she thought Boyz2Men was a Daycare center.

Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I wear,and I said GUESS, she said Levis.

Yo mama so stupid she send me a Fax with a stamp on it.

Yo mama is so fat, she puts on lip stick witha paint roller!

Yo Moma is so ugly she needs 2 tickets when she goes to the zoo. 1 to get in and 1 to get back out!

Yo mamas so fat underneath the picture on her drivers liscence it says picture continued on other side…

Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?

Santa.

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

Q: Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with, and you carry your groceries in in the other one.

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Heres what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL – We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET – I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY – I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, DISMAY hurt a little.

OMELETTE – Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY – When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE – I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, Gimme one MOBILE.

DEFENSE – I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO – I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH – I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET – I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING – My girlys birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA – I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE – DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA – At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, DATA boy!

COPULATE – I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, COPULATE!

FASCINATE – My girlys boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE – I asked the man at the unemployment office, Is this BEWARE I get a job?

COATROOM – The judge said, One more outburst like that, and youll be thrown out the COATROOM.

DECIDE – I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, What do you want for your birthday? Smitty says, I want to get laid.

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

Theres Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?

Smitty says, For a hundred bucks I want her nude!

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, I love you. Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, Whats for dinner?

When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.

When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.

When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.

When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our Ocean Of Motion Love Potion. Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed The Dead Sea.

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The one man told the other to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. I thought I told you to be quiet! he said. I was when the snake bit me, the man said. And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said Should we eat them or take them with us I screamed.