Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus,…breath…push…
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later… And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test. Why? Dont ye believe me?
This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, “Pay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free beer.â€
The guy does this and gets his free beer.
The next night the guy sees a different sign.
It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer.
The barman then asks, How did you do it?
The guy answers, To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him
My insomnia is so bad, I cant even sleep on the job.
Roses are red,Violets are blue,
God made me pretty,
What the hell happened to you?!
____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I wont get into
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _______________.
______5. Ill lose my scholarship.
______6. Im on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldnt find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didnt come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didnt tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I dont have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate / wet) on my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was
being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room
where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the
Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.
Ah, said the doctor, Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that
you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.
Oh. said Her Majesty. Well, in that case I suppose its understandable.
Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open
and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.
Goodness Gracious! shrieked Her Majesty, I demand an explanation of
this kind of sordid goings- on!
Ah, said the Doctor, same problem – better health plan.
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, One burger! Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. Thats the most disgusting thing Ive ever seen, the old lady says. Yeah? says the counterman. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write for sensual massage.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a robot voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will swipe your grub.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog Dog.
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.
16. Reply to everything someone says with thats what YOU think.
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your astronaut training.
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for violating your airspace.
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a spider person.
26. Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.