Old and New Jokes

El último día de clases, los alumnos le llevaron regalos a la maestra: el hijo del florista le entregó un ramo de flores y la hija del confitero, una bonita caja de bombones. En eso, el hijo del dueño de la licorería se acercó cargando una caja grande y pesada. Al recibirla, la maestra se dio cuenta que algo escurría por la base. Con el dedo recogió una gota del líquido y la probó.

¿Es vino?, pregunta tratando de adivinar.

No, responde el chico.

La maestra probó otra gota:

¿Champaña?

No.

Me rindo, ¿qué es?

¡Un perrito!

Estaban dos homosexuales, Marcelo y Camilo, al lado de una piscina. Entonces se ponen su traje de baño para meterse a la piscina y Marcelo le dice a Camilo:

Cami, tírate tu primero a la piscina y me dices como está el agua.

Camilo, haciéndole caso a Marcelo, se tira a la piscina. Cuando sale del agua, Marcelo le pregunta:

Cami, ¿cómo está el agua?

¡Esta la verga!

Y Marcelo, entusiasmado le grita:

¡Ay, entonces me tiro de culo!

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for Gorilla Pest Control. When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, Is it male or female?

Male, he replies.

Oh yeah, we can do that. Ill be right there, he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorillas private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and thats when you move in with the handcuffs!

The man goes pale and asks, Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, youve got to shoot that Rottweiler!

An antidote is a medicine you take to prevent dotes.

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, What flag is this?

A little girl called out, Thats the flag of our country.

Very good, the teacher said. And what is the name of our country?

Tis of thee, the girl said confidently.

Little Johnny ran into the house one day and exclaimed to his mother:Mom! I found a way to clean out the outhouse hole so that we dont have to dig another one. Said Little JohnnyWhy thats great Little Johnny. How are you going to do it? Said MomIts simple really. I just put three sticks of dynamite in the hole and lit the fuse! Everything will get blown out and we wont have to dig another hole this year! Beamed Little Johnny.Oh Jesus Christ help us! Youre father is in there! Shouted MomAbout that time there was a terrible boom and crap went flying everywhere! Little Johnny and Mom went running outside to check if his Dad had survived.When they got to where the outhouse USED to be, they heard a moaning sound from up in a tree. They looked up and lo and behold, there was Little Johnnys Dad lying across a limb about 30 feet up.When he saw them looking up at him, Little Johnnys Dad became frantic and started screaming: Run for your lives! For Gods sake RUN!I might let another one!

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.

I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, Deepest Condolences, and sent the card to the funeral home that said, I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it!

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry-cleaning store and tells the cleaners clerk, Ive got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, Come again?



No, says Monica. Its Mustard…

Glymes Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, youve got it made.