Old and New Jokes

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. Thats right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101–Combating Stupidity MEN 102–You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103–PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104–We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule: MEN 110–Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111–Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am MEN 112–Parenting: It Doesnt End with Conception EAT 100–Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101–Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A–Whats Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule: MEN 120–How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When Youre Wrong MEN 121–Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122–YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123–Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C–What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101–You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102–Morning Dilemma: If Its Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103–How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201–How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective–See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule: MEN 210–The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211–How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212–You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213–Believe Me, You Dont Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule: MEN 220–Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 MEN 222–Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223–Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives: EAT 101–Cooking with Tofu EAT 102–Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103–Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231–Mothers-in-law MEN 232–Appear to Be Listening MEN 233–Just Say Yes, Dear ECON 001C–Cheaper to Keep Her

Statistics show that marriage is 83 percent effective in preventing suicide. On the other hand, statistics also show that suicide is 100 percent effective in preventing marriage.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him!

A man goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesnt eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. Good God, Dear, he proclaims, Ive just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing mens
sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

Directra: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they
got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

Projectra: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new
one.

Complimentra: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

Buyagra: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite stores return limit.

Nega-Viagra: Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on former U.S. presidents.

Nega-Sportagra: This drug had the strange effect of making men want
to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members.

Flatulagra: This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for
long car rides.

Flyagra: This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

Pryagra: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of
other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects
into special prosecutors.

Liagra: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand
Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands."Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands.""In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?

A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

You might be a redneck if…
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.