Old and New Jokes

Madras, India

Monday, 20 February 1995

This joke come to me via the great Khushwant Singh, India greatest joke master. His ethnic group happens to be one of the two ethnic groups referenced in this joke. He tells them on everyone, even on the people of Tamil Nadu (whom I happen to know have a very good sense of humor).

A Haryanavi peasant was wlaking down the road carrying a heavy sack of grain on his head. A kindly Sardar farmer drawing his bullock-cart offered him a lift. The Haryanavi gratefully accepted the offer and sat down in the cart but kept the sack on his head.

Chaudhury, why dont you put down the sack in the gadda?

Sardarji, replied the Haryanavi, your cart is already heavily loaded. I dont want to put more burden on your poor bullock.

Two guys are talking about their bosss upcoming wedding, and one says, Its ridiculous! Sure, hes rich, but hes also 93 years old, and shes just 26! What kind of wedding is that?

The other says, Well, we have a name for that kind of wedding in my family.

Oh, yeah? What do you call it?

We call it a football wedding.

The first guy asks, Whats a football wedding?

The other guy laughs and says, Shes just waiting for him to kick off!

New Rules
Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

You have a slanted view of reality and in all reality, banned from leaving your house.



Most people are usually afraid of you, and only pretend to like you so you dont go crazy and shove pig parts up their asses while they sleep.



Other then that, youre a great person.

If you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion bucks.

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the childs shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, And now what, my little man?

To which the boy replies, Now we run!

They know when they are in trouble.
They dont want you to get off the phone to pay attention to them.
They dont use indoor implements for automobile uses.
They dont expect you spend your entire weekend watching sports.
When you want to snuggle they dont expect you to follow through.
They dont smoke.
They dont leave dirty dishes in the sink.
They dont pout for days when you tell them they cant have a new toy
They dont throw their stuff on the dashboard of the car.
They dont get amorous over football.
They dont steel your covers in the middle of the night.
They dont kick you out of bed in their sleep.
They dont eat all of the icecream out of the freezer.
They cant monopolize the remote control.
They dont squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong end.
They dont use your toothbrush for nefarious reasons.
They dont leave dirty socks in the living room.
They dont leave the toilet seat up!

This just in from News Service: A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both organizations. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.

(original source unknown)

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a Teach
Yourself Hebrew book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.

What are you reading that for? he shouts at her.

She replies, I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven.

The cop says, Well, how do know that its heaven that you are going
to?

The old women answers, Well, honestly I dont, but thats okay. I
already speak Russian.

Jeff Goldberg Internet: goldberg@russell.stanford.edu

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming Its gone! Its all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate.

Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?

God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.