Old and New Jokes

A man notices a blonde sucking on the bottom of a Coke can. Curious, he asks her what shes doing."Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom."

Valentines Day is coming up, and some of you may have
difficulty in composing a properly passionate Valentines Day
Greeting to your sweet-patootie. Here is a suggested form:

Date:	(enter appropriate date here like February 14 or 13)
To:	(enter appropriate name here CAUTION: dont put more than one per memo, and be careful to send to correct person)
From:	(enter your name or pet-name CAUTION: use the right pet-name …)
Subject:	Valentine

It has been brought to my attention that I would be remiss in
my duties were I not to comment upon your performance as
Executive Valentine. Your performance in this capacity during
the past fiscal year has been more than adequate – nay,
commendable.

Further, let me advise you that my Passionate Regard for you
remains unchanged since my previous statements upon this subject
and may be assumed to remain unchanged unless you receive
specific contrary notification in writing.

Please do not hesitate to communicate with me should you have
any questions or if I can be of any other assistance.

Yours truly,

(your name)

There. If that doesnt melt your True Loves heart, nothing will.

Yo mama house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.

Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

A traveller and his wife leave their hotel room and go to the lobby to check out. The traveller puts down a $50 bill and asks for a receipt. The clerk says that his total bill is $75. The traveller explains that the sign advertises all rooms $50/night, tax included. He insisted that his bill is only $50 since he didnt make any telephone calls, didnt charge anything in the restaurant and didnt use the mini bar. The clerk advised that its for the food that comes with every room.
But we didnt consume any of the food, said the traveller.
Well thats too bad. It was there and we charge for it, said the clerk.
Well then, you owe $75, said the traveller.
What for? said the clerk.
For screwing my wife last night, said the traveller.
The clerk explained that he didnt touch his wife.
Well to bad, she was there!

www

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, Id like to register my new invention. Its a folding bottle.OK, says the clerk. What do you call it? A fottle, replies the inventor. A fottle? Thats a stupid! Cant you think of something else?I can think about it. Ive got something else though. Its a folding carton. And what do you call that? asks the clerk.A farton, replies the inventor. Thats rude. You cant possibly call it that!In that case, says the inventor… Youre really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.

A young man approached his family physician and said, Doc, Im afraid youll have to remove my wifes tonsils one of these days.

My good man, replied the doctor, I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?

No, the husband retorted, but youve heard of a man having two wives, havent you?

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didnt want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first womans husband phones the other husband and said, These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties. Thats nothing, said the other. Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com