Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you get when a blonde and a gang member have a kid?

A: A juvenile delinquent that sprays grafitti on chain-link fences.

Did you hear about the blonde got locked into a grocery store for a month and starved to death?

A drunk walks into a bar and sits down. In front of each stool he sees three darts. He calls the bartender over and says, Hey! What are these darts here for?

The bartender says, Well, you take the darts and throw them at the dartboard behind the bar here, and anybody that gets three bulls-eyes in a row wins a prize.

Oh, says the drunk, stifling a burp, all right. He picks up a dart and, weaving from side to side, hurls it, clutching the bar at the last moment just in time to prevent himself from falling off the stool. Amazingly the dart lands firmly in the center of the bulls-eye.

He picks up the second dart, and with one hand on the bar steadying himself as best he can, he throws it. With his follow-through he collapses onto the bar, his head hitting the wood with a resounding thump. Incredibly, though, the dart lodges itself right next to the other one. Another perfect bulls-eye.

The drunk then pushes himself up off the bar, picks up the third dart, and takes careful aim with two eyes that are looking in different directions. As he throws the last dart he falls backward off the stool and lands in a heap on the floor. But miraculously the dart lands once again in the bulls-eye.

As he stands up and wobbles over to the bar the drunk says loudly, I want a prize! I want a prize!

The bartender, astounded, says to him, Okay, buddy. Okay. Youll get your prize. Just hang on a minute. As he turns around the bartender thinks to himself, What am I going to do? Nobody has ever won before. What am I going to give this guy?

Looking around the bar, he sees an old aquarium in the corner. He goes over, rolls up his sleeve, reaches into the water, and pulls out a nice, medium-size turtle. He goes back behind the bar and walks up to the drunk. Okay, pal, he says, heres your prize!

The drunks bloodshot eyes light up for an instant and he says, Thanks a lot! He then takes the turtle and staggers out of the bar.

A couple of weeks pass and then one day the same drunk stumbles back into the bar. He sits down at the same stool and calls out to the bartender, I wanna try for a prize! I wanna try for a prize!

The bartender walks over and says, All right, buddy, go ahead.

The drunk then manages to repeat his previous performance with the one difference being that this time he manages to fall off the bar stool after every shot. However, he does make the three bulls-eyes.

I want a prize! he shouts. I want a prize! The bartender is totally flabbergasted. He says to the drunk, I cant believe it! Nobody has ever done this before, and youve done it twice in a row!

The drunk says, Well, give me my — gulp! — p-p-prize.

The bartender says, To tell you the truth, buddy, I just dont know what to give you. What did I give you last time?

The drunk belches, smiles dreamily, and says, Roast beef on a hard roll.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?

So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping womens knees at parties.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

This story was related to me yesterday at lunch by a fellow manager, who
heard it from his dad (guaranteed true…) Phenomenal testimony that
physics shall not be denied, with some small humor value as well.

This story involves railroad cars, Denver and a fascinating gadget used in
auto wrecking yards called a chipper. Apparently this device is fed
old auto carcasses, and it in turn produces manageable-sized chips of
metal.

Seems that on this eventful evening, four gondola cars were filled by a
chipper and headed out of Denver around dusk. Somewhere along the track,
on an uphill grade, something mechanical failed on one of the cars, and
the train pulled to a siding to uncouple it. The dutiful crew chocked
the wheels with rocks, wood chunks, etc. and then proceeded to unhook the
car.

Seems no one had the slightest idea of the mass being packed in that unit,
as the rocks/wood held it in place for about 6 seconds. Since the crew
had not yet re-switched the tracks (they thought the rest of the train would
be returning to the main line) the gondola car soon found itself back on the
main trackline, heading back into Denver.

The engineer sprinted to the engine and full-throttled the thing after the
car. After 15 minutes, he still didnt even have a visual on it, so he
abandoned the engine, flagged down the nearest car, and drove to the
nearest station, from which he radioed the situation that this car was
cranking toward town and no one knew exactly where it was.

The station crews immediately calculated the correct combination of switches
to route this car on the straightest course thru Denver, the rail yard, and
out the other side, then remotely downed every crossing gate they could,
followed by dispatching crews, cops and civil servants to down the rest
of the crossing arms manually and staff the intersections.

Several witnesses testified that the gondola car passed their locations at
between 85 and 90 MPH.

Whilst traversing the rail yard, the car was forced to execute a slight
left-hand curve in the track on its way out of Denver. The post mortem
revealed that the curved section of track was stretched and displaced
8 feet to the right by the car.

Immediately upon leaving the yard, two of the fastest engines they had were
dispatched, full-throttle, in hot pursuit of the errant gondola car.
Since dusk had now turned into evening, no one could get a visual on the car,
but it did proceed out of Denver until it hit yet another uphill grade, at
which time the pendulum effect took over…

The drivers of the engines (serially-coupled) suddenly saw a dark blob
approaching them on the track, They quickly (?) slammed the engines into
reverse, but could see after about a minute that they were not gaining
any ground on this car, so they jumped from the cab.

One of them, looking back at the impact, noted that, although the mass of
the two engines was sufficient to stop the car, the front coupling assembly
of the lead engine was obliterated, and the front engine was lifted in
place and set back down by the impact.

Steven Swinkels (with thanks to Michael Andrews for the tale)
Amdahl Corporation

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vaughan!
Vaughan who?
Vaughan day my prince will come!

Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A rooster says, Cock a doodle doo!, but a blonde says, Any cockll do!